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SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

JAMES GILKS - OWNER
KRIS SAUNDERS- CO OWNER

ART DEPARTMENT

ADAM CLINE
ADAM GEYER
ADAM SUTTIE
ADAM WHITE
ADAM WILLIAMS
ALEJANDRA A. SANZ
ALEKSANDR POLTAVSKIY
ANDREW O'CONDELL
ANI ASLANIAN
BILLY CRANCE
BRYON BURDICK
CHAD OCONNELL
CHRIS CARPENTER
CHRIS SINK
CHRISTOPHER HUZIAK
CHRYSTAL THOMPSON
CHUCK HODI
CLAIRE AZZOPARDI
CLINT CARNEY
CODY WHITMAN
CRAIG HEWITT
DAN HARTMAN
DAN VERKYS
DARIO GARCIA
DARYL WALKER
DAVID CSICSELY
DAVID HARTMAN
DAVID WILLET
DR. PAYNE
EDDIE MULLINS
ERIC SWARTZ
ERIC WELLMAN
ERIN TINNEY
FABIEN FERNANDEZ
FRANKIE BABYLON
GERALD TORBITT
GREGORY COBURN
HAYLEY MUI
HERVÉ SCOTT FLAMENT
IAN WAGNER
JACK MALEBRANCH
JAMES RICHARDSON
JASON DAQUINO
JEREMY VANDERMARK
JESSICA FAIRFIELD
JESSICA JOHNSON
JO DUGGAN
JOAQUIN MONTALVAN
JOEL BAGLEY
JOHNNY MACHINE
JON FASSNACHT II
JONATHAN HAWK
JOSHUA MASON
JUSTIN MYERS
KAHLA WALKOSKI
KELLY HUTCHISON
KIMBERLY BAILEY
KUNSTATELIER T.GEBHARDT
KURT BELCHER
LEE BILLINGHAM
LEONARDO CASAS
LISA LACERRA
LORI HESTON
LOU RUSCONI
LYDA DAY
MARK STINSON
MARTHANA YUSA
MATT VERGES
MATTHEW AARON
MATTHEW JOEL CASSAR
MICHAEL MAJEWSKI
MICHAEL REYNOLDS
MICHI NEW FRANKENSTEIN
MICKMO
MIKE STOLTZ
NAOMI MCGRAW
NELLIE BROWN
NICHOLAS RAIMO
NICK DUNKELY
NICK LAZARISS
NICOLAS CASTELAUX
OPHELIE BERNAUD
PATRICK OLSEN
PAUL MELLINO
PETE BERG
PHILIP R. MERTZ
R.M. HANSON
RANDY WALL
ROBERTO ARANDA
ROWAN ANDREWS
RYAN SCHEMPP
SAMANTHA SHELDON
SARAH SMITH
SHANE SHEILS
SHANNON HILSON
SHANNON RIDDLE
SHAUN OLSEN
SIONA MORROW
TOM PALIWODA
URIEL A. DURAN
VICTORIA WENDT
VINCE PACKARD
VINCENT CASTIGLIA
WILLIAM JENNINGS

WRITING STAFF

AARON KIRKLAND
ALEXANDER DELIGHT
ANNA M. GRIFFY
ANNA ROCKET
BANDI BROCK
BILL DIXON
BOB GEORGE
BOB WARD
BRAD BARRETT
BRIAN RUSSELL
BRIDGET HEATH
BRIDGETTE ORMOND
BRUCE MOWDAY
CASEY JONES
CHARLOTTE GLEDSON
CHRIS BARTHOLOMEW
CHRIS CASINES
CRISTY MCGOFF
DAVID BOYLE
DAVID C. HAYES
DEANNA MULLINS
DENISE NOE
DION BRASS
DOUG WALLACE
DYLAN BONNAR
EVIL LUCY
EZRA RAINSTEIN
FAITH LEANNE
FREDERICK W. COOK
GARIN T. JONES
GENERAL AK47
HERLAKA ROSE
JASON WOLFE
JEFFREY HAYES
JESSICA FAIRFIELD
JESSICA ROBINSON
JOHN DAVID HERNANDEZ
JORDAN SEMICH
JULIE MCCORMICK
KAIT WELLMAN
KAMYELLE POWELL
KATHY PETERS AKA KATHRYN J
KEIMI YAMAGATA
KELLY HUTCHISON
KENNY HACKNEY
KEVIN SWEENEY
KILMER VARIENT
KIMBERLY BAILEY
LISA WILBERDING
LORENZO GARZA
LUIS CARBAJALES
LUKE DAVIES
MADGEPETTO
MADISON SHERMAN
MARTIN PROBEE
MAT CLOUSER
MATTHEW AARON
MELISSA HOGLE
MICHAEL ALOISI
MICHAEL BORELLA
NADIA FEZZANI
NICK STEVENS
NICOLAS CASTELAUX
REV WILLIAM SMYERS
RHIANNON EDWARDS
ROBERT HARNISH
SEAN DEMERS
SHAUN DUNNE
SHELLS WALTER
SHELLY RAAB
STEPH ARENA
STEPHANIE JOHNSON
STEPHEN W. ROBERTS
TARA RATH
TOD BOHANNON
VANESSA WEST
VICKY ZUBCIC
WILLIAM A. KINGMAN

CONTACT TO JOIN OUR TEAM


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LEARN WHAT MAKES US THE BEST TRUE CRIME COMPANY ON THE PLANET

ABOUT OUR COMPANY
VIEW OUR ARTISTS WORK
PRESS ABOUT THE COMPANY
NEWS AND EVENTS
OUR FAMOUS FANS
OUR CALENDAR GIRLS
JOIN OUR STREET TEAM
BE OUR MYSPACE FRIEND
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BELOW YOU'LL FIND THE BEST SERIAL KILLER BIOS ON THE INTERNET

AILEEN WUORNOS
ALBERT DESALVO
ALBERT FISH
ALLAN LEGERE
ANDREI CHIKATILO
ÁNGEL RESÉNDIZ
ANGELO BUONO JR
ANNA MARIA ZWANZIGER
ANTHONY HARDY
ANTTI TASKINEN
ARTHUR GARY BISHOP
ARTHUR SHAWCROSS
AUSTIN AXE MURDERER
AXEMAN OF NEW ORLEANS
BASELINE KILLER
BÉLA KISS
BELLE GUNNESS
BEVERLY ALLITT
BIBLE JOHN
BLOODY BENDERS
BRUCE LEE
BRUNO LÜDKE
CARL PANZRAM
CARY STAYNER
CARLTON GARY
CAYETANO SANTOS GODINO
CAYETANO GODINO
CHARLES ALBRIGHT
CHARLES CULLEN
CHARLES MANSON
CHARLES QUANSAH
CHRISTOPHER WORRELL
CLAREMONT MURDERS
CLIFFORD OLSON
CHARLES NG
COLIN IRELAND
CORAL EUGENE WATTS
DAGMAR OVERBYE
DANIEL BARBOSA
DANIEL RUDA
DANNY ROLLING
DAVID BERKOWITZ
DAVID GORE
DAVID KORESH
DEAN CARTER
DEAN CORLL
DENNIS NILSEN
DERRICK TODD LEE
DONALD GASKINS
DONALD HARVEY
DOROTHEA PUENTE
EARLE NELSON
ED GEIN
EDDIE LEONSKI
EDMUND KEMPER
EFREN SALDIVAR
ELFRIEDE BLAUENSTEINER
ELIZABETH BATHORY
ERIC EDGAR COOKE
ÉMILE LOUIS
FRITZ HAARMANN
FRITZ HONKA
GARY M. HEIDNIK
GARY RIDGWAY
GENENE JONES
GEORGE CHAPMAN
GERALD SCHAEFER
GERALD STANO
GERTRUDE BANISZEWSKI
GILLES DE RAIS
HARVEY GLATMAN
HÉLÈNE JEGADO
HENRI DÉSIRÉ LANDRU
HENRY LEE LUCAS
HENRY LOUIS WALLACE
HERBERT MULLIN
H.H. HOLMES
HU WANLIN
IAN BRADY
IRENE LEIDOLF
IVAN MILAT
JACK THE RIPPER
JACK THE STRIPPER
JACK UNTERWEGER
JEFFREY DAHMER
JEFFREY GORTON
JERRY BRUDOS
JESSE POMEROY
JIM JONES
JOACHIM KROLL
JOE BALL
JOEL RIFKIN
JOHN ALLEN MUHAMMAD
JOHN CHRISTIE
JOHN CHILDS
JOHN GEORGE HAIGH
JOHN ROBINSON
JOHN WAYNE GACY
JOHN WAYNE GLOVER
JOSEPH DUNCAN III
JOSEPH PAUL FRANKLIN
JOSEPH VACHER
JUAN VALLEJO CORONA
JÜRGEN BARTSCH
KARL DENKE
KARL GROSSMAN
KARLA HOMOLKA
KENNETH BIANCHI
KENNETH ERSKINE
KITTY GENOVESE
KRISTEN GILBERT
LARRY EYLER
LEMUEL SMITH
LEONARD LAKE
LUIS GARAVITO
MACK RAY EDWARDS
MANUELA RUDA
MARC DUTROUX
MARCEL PETIOT
MARY ANN COTTON
MARY BELL
MARYBETH TINNING
MICHAEL ROSS
MICHAEL SWANGO
MICHAEL WAYNE MCGRAY
MICHEL FOURNIRET
MORRIS SOLOMON JR.
MYRA HINDLEY
NANNIE DOSS
OTTIS TOOLE
PATRICK KEARNEY
PAUL BERNARDO
PAUL DENYER
PEDRO LÓPEZ
PAUL JOHN KNOWLES
PETER DUPAS
PETER KURTEN
PETER STUMPP
PETER WOODCOCK
PHANTOM KILLER
PHILIP JABLONSKI
RAMAN RAGHAV
RANDALL WOODFIELD
RANDY STEVEN KRAFT
RICHARD ANGELO
RICHARD CHASE
RICHARD RAMIREZ
ROBERT BERDELLA
ROBERT BLACK
ROBERT CHARLES BROWNE
ROBERT HANSEN
ROBERT LEE YATES
ROBERT PICKTON
ROBLEDO PUCH
ROD FERRELL
RUSSELL JOHNSON
SANTE KIMES
SNOWTOWN MURDERS
STONEMAN
SYLVESTRE MATUSCHKA
TED BUNDY
TED BUNDY (DETAILED)
THOMAS GEORGE SVEKLA
THOMAS NEILL CREAM
THUG BEHRAM
TOMMY LYNN SELLS
TORSO MURDERER
TRURO MURDERS
VÁCLAV MRÁZEK
VINCENT JOHNSON
VLAD THE IMPALER
WAYNE ADAM FORD
WAYNE WILLIAMS
WESTLEY ALLAN DODD
"WILD BILL" HICKMAN
WILLIAM BONIN
WILLIAM MACDONALD
WILLIAM PATRICK FYFE
WILLIAM SUFF
YANG XINHAI
SWAP LINKS WITH US


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

ARTWORK AND PHOTOS OF THE WORLD'S WORST KILLERS

VIEW OUR ARTISTS WORK
ADAM CLINE IMAGES
AILEEN WUORNOS IMAGES
ALBERT DESALVO IMAGES
ALBERT FISH IMAGES
ANDREI CHIKATILO IMAGES
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES 1
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES 2
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES 3
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES 4
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES 5
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES 6
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES 7
CHARLES MANSON IMAGES 8
CHRIS CARPENTER IMAGES
CHUCK HODI IMAGES
DANIEL RUDA IMAGES
DARYL WALKER IMAGES
DAVID BERKOWITZ IMAGES
DENNIS RADER IMAGES
ED GEIN IMAGES
EDMUND KEMPER IMAGES
GERARD TORBITT IMAGES
JACK MALEBRANCHE IMAGES
JEFFREY DAHMER IMAGES
JOHN WAYNE GACY IMAGES
JOHNNY MACHINE IMAGES
LOU RUSCONI IMAGES
MARK STINSON IMAGES
MATT VERGES IMAGES
MIKE HENDERSON IMAGES
NICO CLAUX IMAGES
PETE BERG IMAGES
RICHARD THE ICEMAN KUKLINSKI
RICHARD RAMIREZ IMAGES
RICHARD SPECK IMAGES
ROBERT PICKTON IMAGES
SERIAL KILLER TATTOOS
SHANNON HILSON IMAGES
TED BUNDY IMAGES
SWAP LINKS WITH US


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

WE ARE ATTEMPTING THE IMPOSSIBLE - COMPILING A COMPLETE HISTORY OF SERIAL KILLER EVENTS

KILLER HISTORY JANUARY
KILLER HISTORY FEBRUARY
SKILLER HISTORY MARCH
KILLER HISTORY APRIL
KILLER HISTORY MAY
KILLER HISTORY MAY
KILLER HISTORY JULY
KILLER HISTORY AUGUST
KILLER HISTORY SEPTEMBER
KILLER HISTORY OCTOBER
KILLER HISTORY NOVEMBER
KILLER HISTORY DECEMBER


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

KILLERS FROM MOVIES, BOOKS, GAMES, COMICS AND MORE

MOVIES AND MURDER
ANGELA
ANGELA BAKER
ALEX DELARGE
ANNIE WILKES
BABY "ANGEL" FIREFLY
BABY JANE HUDSON
BARABAS THE JEW
BEN WILLIS (THE FISHERMAN)
BILLY CHAPMAN
BROTHER PAPA
BUFFALO BILL
CAPTAIN SPAULDING
CANDYMAN
THE CENOBITES
CHOP TOP (ROBERT SAWYER)
CHUCKY (CHARLES LEE RAY)
CLETUS KASADY
CORINTHIAN
DEXTER MORGAN
DOCTOR EVAN RENDELL
DOCTOR MABUSE
DOCTOR SATAN
DR. ALAN FEINSTONE
DR. PHILIP CHANNARD
DRAYTON SAWYER
EDGLER VESS
EDWARD LIONHEART
EDWARD SAWYER
FARMER VINCENT SMITH
FRANCIS DOLARHYDE
FRANK BOOTH
FREDDY KRUEGER
GEORGE HARVEY
GEORGES QUERELLE
GRANDPA HUGO
DR HANNIBAL LECTER
GHOSTFACE KILLER
HERBERT WEST
HORACE PINKER
JASON VOORHEES
JIGSAW KILLER
JOHN DOE
JOHN RYDER
JUPITERS CLAN
LAWRENCE WARGRAVE
LEATHERFACE
LORD VOLDEMORT
LUDA MAY HEWITT
MAX CADY
MICHAEL MYERS
MICKEY & MALLORY KNOX
NORMAN BATES
OH DAE-SU
OLD MONTY
OTIS DRIFTWOOD
PATRICK BATEMAN
PINHEAD
RANDALL FLAGG
REVEREND HARRY POWELL
RHODA PENMARK
SERGE A. STORMS
SHERIFF HOYT
SWEENEY TODD
TED ALLISON
THE TALL MAN
TOM RIPLEY
WHITEFACE
SWAP LINKS WITH US


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

MOBSTERS, HITMEN AND MORE

ORGANIZED CRIME
ABE RELES
AL CAPONE
ALBERT TANNENBAUM
ALEXANDER SOLONIK
ANTHONY SENTER
ANTHONY SPILOTRO
ANGELO LA BARBERA
BERNARDO PROVENZANO
CALOGERO VIZZINI
CHARLES HARRELSON
CHARLES NICOLETTI
CHRIS ROSENBERG
CORNELIUS HUGHES
GAETANO BADALAMENTI
GIUSEPPE GENCO RUSSO
GLENNON ENGLEMAN
HARRY MAIONE
FRANK ABBANDANDO
FRANK ABBANDANDO JR
FRANK NITTI
FRANK SHEERAN
FELIX ALDERISIO
HARRY STRAUSS
JACK MCGURN
JAMES BURKE
JOHN GOTTI
JOSEPH TESTA
LEOLUCA BAGARELLA
LOUIS CAPONE
LUCKY LUCIANO
MATTEO MESSINA DENARO
MICHELE GRECO
MICHELE NAVARRA
RICHARD KUKLINSKI
ROY DEMEO
SALVATORE GRECO
SALVATORE LO PICCOLO
SALVATORE INZERILLO
SALVATORE RIINA
SAMMY GRAVANO
STEFANO BONTADE
STEFANO MAGADDINO
SEYMOUR MAGOON
THOMAS DESIMONE
TOMMASO BUSCETTA
VERNON C. MILLER
VITO CASCIO FERRO


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

THE MANY TYPES OF MURDER

ASSASSINATION
CHILD MURDER
CONSENSUAL HOMICIDE
CONTRACT KILLING
DEMOCIDE
FELONY MURDER
FETICIDE
FILICIDE
FRATRICIDE
GENDERCIDE
GENOCIDE
HOMICIDE
HONOR KILLING
HUMAN SACRIFICE
INFANTICIDE
JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE
LUST MURDER
LYNCHING
MANSLAUGHTER
MARITICIDE
MASS MURDER
MATRICIDE
MURDER-SUICIDE
NEGLIGENT HOMICIDE
PARRICIDE
PATRICIDE
PROLICIDE
PROXY MURDER
REGICIDE
RITUAL MURDER
SERIAL KILLER
SORORICIDE
SPREE KILLER
SUICIDE
TORTURE MURDER
TYRANNICIDE
UXORICIDE
VEHICULAR HOMICIDE


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

UNNATURAL LOVE AND IT'S CONNECTIONS TO SERIAL KILLING

OVERVIEW OF PARAPHILIA
OVERVIEW OF FETISHISM
ABASIOPHILIA
ACOUSTICOPHILIA
ACROTOMOPHILIA
ALGOLAGNIA
APOTEMNOPHILIA
AMAUROPHILIA
ANACLITISM
ANDROMIMETOPHILIA
AQUAPHILIA
ARETIFISM
ASPHYXIOPHILIA
AUTOGYNEPHILIA
BIASTOPHILIA
COPROPHILIA
CHRONOPHILIA
CRUSH FETISH
DACRYPHILIA
EMETOPHILIA
EPHEBOPHILIA
EXHIBITIONISM
FOOD PLAY
FORNIPHILIA
FROTTEURISM
GALACTOPHILIA
GYNOPHAGIA
HEMATOLAGNIA
HOMEOVESTISM
HYBRISTOPHILIA
INCEST
INFANTILISM
KATOPTRONOPHILIA
KLEPTOMANIA
KLISMAPHILIA
LUST MURDER
MACROPHILIA
MAIESIOPHILIA
PODOPHILIA
SADISM & MASOCHISM
MICROPHILIA
MYSOPHILIA
NARRATOPHILIA
NASOPHILIA
NECROPHILIA
NEPIOPHILIA
PYROPHILIA
RETIFISM
SALIROMANIA
SCHEDIAPHILIA
SITOPHILIA
SOMNOPHILIA
STATUEPHILIA
TERATOPHILIA
TRANSVESTISM
TROILISM
UROLAGNIA
VINCILAGNIA
VORAREPHILIA
VOYEURISM
ZOOPHILIA
SWAP LINKS WITH US


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

A GRAB BAG OF INTERESTING INFO ON SERIAL KILLERS

SERIAL KILLERS LAST MEALS
A SIGNATURE SERIAL KILLER IN THE MAKING
AILEEN WUORNOS TRIVIA
CANNIBAL COOKBOOK
DEFINING SERIAL MURDER
ARTICLE “THE ICEMAN” RICHARD LEONARD KUKLINSKI
ARTICLE ON JOHN HAIGH JR
KENNETH BIANCHI MEDICAL REPORT
KILLER'S LAST MEALS
KILLERS WHO SURRENDER
PLEADING INSANITY
PSYCHOLOGY & DEVELOPMENT
POEMS ABOUT KILLERS
PREDESTINED KILLERS
PROFILING A KILLER
MOVIES AND MURDER
TYPES OF CRIME SCENES
TYPOLOGIES OF MURDER
SERIAL KILLER QUOTES
SERIAL KILLER POETRY
TED BUNDY TRIVIA
WHAT MAKES A KILLER?
WRITINGS OF MICHAEL ROSS
WRITINGS OF PATRICK KEARNEY
SWAP LINKS WITH US


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

FROM THE MOUTH OF KILLERS

ARTHUR SHAWCROSS INTERVIEW
BTK KILLER INTERVIEW
CHARLES MANSON INTERVIEW
ELMER HENLEY INTERVIEW
JAMES MUNRO INTERVIEW
JEFFREY DAHMER INTERVIEW
JOHN ROBINSON INTERVIEW
KEITH JESPERSON INTERVIEW
RICHARD RAMIREZ INTERVIEW
TED BUNDY INTERVIEW
WAYNE LO INTERVIEW
SWAP LINKS WITH US


SERIAL KILLER MAGAZINE

AN EVER GROWING COLLECTION OF HORROR MOVIE REVIEWS

ABANDONED, THE
AB-NORMAL BEAUTY
ABOMINABLE
ALBERT FISH
ALONE IN THE DARK
ALONE WITH HER
ALTERED
AMATEUR PORN STAR KILLER
AMAZON JAIL
AN AMERICAN HAUNTING
AND NOW THE SCREAMING STARTS
ANDRE THE BUTCHER
APRIL FOOL'S DAY
ARANG
ASYLUM
AUDREY ROSE
AUNT ROSE
AUTOMATONS
AUTOPSY
AWAKEN THE DEAD
BABY BLOOD
BAD REPUTATION
BAD TASTE
BAISE MOI
BANGKOK HAUNTED
BARE BEHIND BARS
BARRICADE
BASKET CASE
BATTLE IN HEAVEN
BENEATH STILL WATERS
BEYOND THE WALL OF SLEEP
BIG BAD WOLF
BLACK DAHLIA
BTK KILLER
BUTCHER OF PLAINFIELD
CABIN FEVER
CACHE
CAMP BLOOD
CAMP BLOOD 2
CAMP SLAUGHTER
CANDY STRIPERS
CANNIBAL (2005)
CANNIBAL (2006)
CANNIBAL CAMPOUT
CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST
CARD PLAYER, THE
CAVED IN
CAVE, THE
CAVERN, THE
CELLO
CEMETERY GATES
CEMETERY MAN
CENTIPEDE
CERBERUS
CHAINSAW SALLY
CHAOS
CHEERLEADER MASSACRE
CHICAGO MASSACRE
CHILDREN OF THE CORN
CHOKE, THE
CHURCH, THE
CINDERELLA
CITY OF ROTT
CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD
COME GET SOME
CONTAINMENT
CONTAMINATION
CONVENT, THE
COOKERS
CORPSES
COVENANT, THE
CREEP
CREEPSHOW
CREEPSHOW 2
CREEPSHOW 3
CULT
CUP OF MY BLOOD
CURIOUS DR. HUMP, THE
CURSE OF LIZZIE BORDEN
CURSE OF THE DEVIL
CUT
CUT AND RUN
DANIKA
DARK CORNERS
DARK FIELDS
DARK HOURS, THE
DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS
DAWN
DEAD & BREAKFAST
DEAD & DEADER
DEAD CALLING, A
DEAD LEAVES
DEAD LIFE
DEAD LINE
DEAD MARY
DEAD MEN WALKING
DEAD & ROTTING
DEAD SHIT
DEAD SILENCE
DEATH BED
DEATH BY ENGAGEMENT
DEATH CLIQUE
DEATH KNOWS YOUR NAME
DEATH TUNNEL
DEATH VALLEY
DEATH WALKS AT MIDNIGHT
DEATH WALKS ON HIGH HEALS
DECOYS: THE SECOND SEDUCTION
DEFENCELESS: A BLOOD SYMPHONY
THE DELIBERATE STRANGER
DEMON HUNTER
DEMONIC
DEMONS
DEMONS 2
DESCENT, THE
DESPERATE SOULS
DESPERATION, STEPHEN KING'S
DEVIL'S DEN
DEVIL'S RAIN, THE
DEVIL'S REJECTS, THE
DEVIL TIMES FIVE
DEXTER 6 "RETURN TO SENDER"
DEXTER 7 "CIRCLE OF FRIENDS"
DEXTER 8 "SHRINK WRAP"
DEXTER 9 "FATHER KNOWS BEST"
DEXTER 10 "SEEING RED"
DEXTER 11 "TRUTH BE TOLD"
DEXTER 12 "BORN FREE"
DIARY OF A CANNIBAL
DIE YOU ZOMBIE BASTARDS!
DISTURBANCE
DJANGO
DOG SOLDIERS
DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE
DON'T DELIVER US FROM EVIL
DON'T GO IN THE HOUSE
DON'T TORTURE A DUCKLING
DOOM
DOOMED
DOPPELGANGER
DORM
DORM OF THE DEAD
DO YOU LIKE HITCHCOCK?
DRACULA
DRACULA, HOUSE OF
DRACULA, SPANISH
DRACULA'S CURSE
DRACULA'S DAUGHTER
DREAM REAPER
DROP, THE
DUMBLAND
DUST DEVIL
EATING RAZORS
EDMOND
EMANUELLE AROUND THE WORLD
EMANUELLE IN AMERICA
EMANUELLE IN BANGKOK
ENTRAILS OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
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WRITINGS OF MICHAEL ROSS

It's Time for Me to Die : an inside look at Death Row"

This essay was published in Journal of Psychiatry and Law (Winter 1998), Whole Earth Journal, and in the Utne Reader.

The author, a convicted serial killer, writes of his experiences on
Connecticut's Death Row as the first man sentenced to death in that
state in some 20-plus years and who may possibly be the first man
executed in Connecticut since1960.  The author describes the
paraphiliac mental disorder that led to the crimes, his treatment for
that disorder, the decision that led to his failed attempt to accept
the death penalty, and his hopes that something might be learned
from his experiences that would prevent future victimizations.  At
the time of this writing, his fate has not been determined.

Its time for me to die.  I know this because the warden is in front of my cell reading the death warrant to me and several guards are waiting to escort me to the execution chamber.  They open my door and walk me into a room less than ten feet away.  In the center of that room I see a large, brown, wooden, very uncomfortable-looking chair with several leather straps attached - its the electric chair.  About ten feet in front of the chair is a cinder-block wall.  I can't see through to the other side because of a set of Venetian blinds that are closed, but I know that on the other side of that wall are the official witnesses to my imminent execution.

Now things begin to get weird.  I notice a large bay window.  The side windows are wide open, and they have no bars.  Outside it is an absolutely beautiful spring morning.  The sunlight is streaming into the room, and I can see and hear the birds chirping outside.  The guards walk me to the chair.  I'm facing the witness chamber when the blinds are opened.  My "official" witnesses are wearing little party hats, have party favors, and are laughing and drinking champagne.  Confetti floats through the air.

The guards sit me down and strap me into the chair, but suddenly weightless I rise into the air, leaving my body behind as I float out the window and up over the prison.  Its no longer a sunny spring day.  Its cold and dark, and the prison lights shine harshly on the ground.   Its a bitterly cold winter evening, with no snow on the ground.   I float up over the front of the prison and see a crowd of hundreds of people gathered at the front gate.  They suddenly start counting down in unison just like it was New Years Eve : Five....four....three...two....one.  And they start cheering, shouting and hollering as the lights dim and flicker.  There is a pause for 30 seconds, and then they cheer again as the electric chair releases its second discharge of death, causing the prison lights to dim and flicker once more.  I now know that I am dead.

My name is Michael Ross, and I am a serial killer responsible for the rape and murder of eight women in Connecticut, New York, and Rhode Island. I have never denied what I did, have fully confessed to my crimes, and was sentenced to death in 1987. Now, however, I am awaiting a new sentencing hearing-ordered by the Connecticut State Supreme Court-that will result either in my being re-sentenced to death or in multiple life sentences without the possibility of release. The crucial issue in my case is, as it has been from the beginning, my mental condition at the time of the crimes-the infamous and much maligned "insanity defense." For years I have been trying to prove that I am suffering from a mental illness that drove me to rape and kill, and that this mental illness made me physically unable to control my actions. I have met with little success.

I used to have that dream on a regular basis when I first came to Death Row.   It wasn't really a dream, but more of a nightmarish daydream or vision.  I was pretty depressed and would spend most days on my bunk with the covers pulled up over my head. I had this vision almost daily - while semi-awake. And it seemed as real as anything I have actually experienced.   I could almost taste, smell, and feel the sensations.  Each time I actually thought it was real until I open bay window and told myself, 'thats not right.'  Fortunately I no longer experience the horror of this vision - very seldom anyway.  Regular doses of the antidepressant Prozac keep me relatively stable, and the visions tend to stay away.

What's It Like to Live on Death Row?

Death row here in Connecticut isn't as rough as some death rows elsewhere-especially the ones down South-but it's no "country club" either. Death row in this state is located in a "super-max" prison. I live in a seven-foot by twelve-foot cell-large by prison tandards - consisting of a metal bunk, a desk, and a combination toilet/sink. I live alone in this cell and spend twenty-three hours a day here . My only sight of the outside world is through a three-inch by three-foot slot window, which has a wonderful view of the razor-wire fencing and outdoor recreation yard of the prison next door.

I eat all of my meals in my cell-there is no dining hall in this facility. My meals are delivered to me in a Styrofoam box with a plastic spoon and fork-no plastic knives. Some of the other inmates in this institution eat their meals at tables in the dayrooms like civilized men, but that is a privilege not afforded to death row inmates.

I am allowed one hour of outside recreation five days a week. Our recreation yard is approximately twenty-five feet square with thirty-foot-high concrete walls and chain-link fencing across the top. We are not allowed so much as a handball, and the only activity for exercise is jogging in circles on the concrete floor. Our recreation hour begins at 8 a.m., which means we can see the sun on the walls, but we have to lock up before the sun rises high enough that we can actually stand in it. The situation is so poor that only two of us go outside on a regular basis-no one else even bothers.  (Michael's note : no longer allowed group recreation.  Death Row inmates are no longer allowed to socialize together - individual recreation only.)

We are allowed two hours of "out-of-cell" time in our dayroom from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. daily. At that time we can use the telephone to make collect calls (two fifteen-minute calls per day).  Death row inmates have absolutely no contact with other inmates.

By far most of my time is spent alone in my cell. When I first came to death row my father bought me a color television set, on which I receive six local broadcast stations. I have a typewriter that I use to type articles that I submit to various publications-mostly anti-death-penalty articles, but more recently I have branched out into more spiritually based articles for religious publications. I also have a small Walkman radio on which I listen to classical music. They say that music soothes the savage soul, and classical music does in fact relax me. I spend many hours with my headphones on listening to this music with my eyes covered-it is how I cope with life here.

Initially I was placed in the "Death Cell," a cell directly adjacent to the execution chamber and usually used only to house the condemned man for the last twenty-four to forty-eight hours before his execution. A guard was posted at a desk directly in front of my cell for twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. I had absolutely no privacy. I got dressed in front of the guard. I used the toilet in front of the guard. Everything that I did was in front of the guard. And everything was written down in my very own "Death Row Log Book": What time I woke up in the morning. What time I ate my meals and brushed my teeth. Everything. You cannot begin to imagine what that absolute and total lack of privacy does to you. You cannot begin to imagine how it begins to destroy your very sense of humanity-like you are an animal in a cage on display at the zoo. No wonder I spiraled into a clinical depression and had visions of my own execution.

That lasted for almost a year. Then they replaced the guard with a closed-circuit television system that monitored the inside of my cell-for my privacy, they said.  In reality, it was because I wasn't a disciplinary problem, and it was cheaper to monitor me by closed circuit television at a desk at the front of the unit than to post a guard on a single inmate for 24 hours a day.  And it actually gave me less privacy, for at the other end of the camera was a monitor viewed by anyone who happened to pass by, including any female officers. The camera lasted for four more years before I was finally able to convince them that it was an unnecessary invasion of my privacy. The guards make their rounds every half-hour or so, but at least now I know about when to expect him or her so I can time when to use the toilet or get dressed.

When I first came to death row, I was a very high-profile inmate. Everyone knew who Michael Ross was. Everyone knew what I had done. Everyone knew I was sentenced to death, and everyone-so it seemed-agreed with that sentence and hoped it would be carried out as quickly as possible.

All of that made me different from any other inmate.  At the time,  I was the only man under a sentence of death in the State of Connecticut.  For two and a half years - until another man was sentenced to death - I was the only man deemed by the state to be unworthy of life itself.

And I had received more publicity than any other inmate in the system.  Naturally, I stood out - and prison is a bad place to stand out.

Most people here are anonymous.  Few prisoners know who the other inmates are or what they did, so they are not judged by their crimes, but rather by what kind of people they are.  If they are jerks, they tend to be treated as jerks.  If you stay by yourself and don't bother anyone, you tend not to be bothered.  But if you stick out, everyone jumps on you.  For some people its a way to deal with their own insecurities - by putting you down they are boosting themselves up.  For some people its a way to divert attention from themselves - I've found that those who yell "tree jumper" the loudest are quite often rapists themselves.  Then there are those who join in to be part of the crowd-these are the ones who are friendly when they are alone with you, but suddenly can't stand you when others are critisizing you.  And finally, there are those who are just so damn miserable that they can only feel better by trying to make others miserable too.

Not everyone fits into one of these categories.  I have made some friends. Most of them are people who don't believe everything they read in the newspaper or hear through the grapevine. They are the ones who tend to approach people with an attitude of "how you treat me is how I will treat you." Unfortunately people like these are few and far between in prison. But at times they can be like a breath of fresh air. When someone simply says, "Hey, Mike, how's it going?" or "Hey, Mike, hang in there," it can mean a lot -especially during the rough times.

And there have been rough times. I received a great deal of harassment from my fellow inmates, and also from the guards. Whenever I went somewhere in the prison-to medical or visiting-there were always the stares, the whispers, and the threats: "Hey, man, do you know who that is?" "He's the one who killed all those girls." "I wish they would let the SOB into population, then we could teach him a lesson." "Ripper!" "Child raper!" "Hey, tree-jumper, we're gonna kill you!" "If it was my sister, you would already be dead." And the ever-present sound mimicking the electric chair: "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

I have been assaulted on several occasions.  I've been hit with bars of soap, doused with cups of urine and feces, and had my food messed with by the guards, who spit on it or put hairs in it. I've had to go to the free-world hospital twice. Once I was stabbed fifteen times by an inmate with a pair of barbershop scissors taped to his hand; I had been set up by the guard, who let the non-death-row inmate out to attack me. The other time I was beaten by an inmate in a stairwell and received several stitches. Fortunately for me, things have settled down considerably since those early years. I still get the stares and the occasional comment, but things are much quieter today.

As you might imagine, I have been examined by a multitude of psychiatric experts over the past fourteen years. All of them-even Dr. Miller, the state's own expert psychiatric witness-agree I suffer from a paraphiliac mental disorder called "sexual sadism." This is a mental illness that, according to the testimony of the experts, resulted in my compulsion "to perpetrate violent sexual activity in a repetitive way." The experts also agree that my criminal conduct was a direct result of the uncontrollable aggressive sexual impulses caused by the disorder.

The state's only hope of obtaining a conviction and death sentence was to muddy the waters and inflame the jury members' passions so they would ignore any evidence of psychological impairment.  In my case, as you might expect, that was quite easy to do, and the state succeeded in obtaining multiple death sentences.

So why was a new sentencing hearing ordered ?  An amicus curiae ("friend of the court") brief was filed by a group of eminent psychiatrists from Connecticut.  They were connected to neither the state nor the defense, but they got involved because - as their brief states - of their concern "that the psychiatric issues were distorted at both the guilt and penalty phase of the trial."  They summed up our main point of contention perfectly : "By allowing Dr Miller to testify in a way that led the jury to believe that Mr Ross could control his behavior - when in fact he and all the other psychiatric experts were of the view that Mr Ross could not - the court allowed the jury to be effectively misled."  The Connecticut State Supreme Court agreed.

What exactly is a paraphiliac mental disorder? It is very difficult to explain, and even more difficult to understand. I'm not even sure that I myself fully understand this disease, and I've been trying to understand what's been going on in my head for a very long time now. Basically, I am plagued by repetitive thoughts, urges, and fantasies of the degradation, rape, and murder of women. I cannot get those thoughts out of my mind.

The best way for the average person to try to understand this is to remember a time when a song played over and over again in your head. Even if you liked the melody, its constant repetition was quite annoying, and the harder you tried to drive it out of your head, the harder it seemed to stick. Now replace that sweet melody with noxious thoughts of degradation, rape, and murder, and you will begin-and only just begin-to understand what was running rampant through my mind uncontrollably.

Some people believe that if you think about something day in and day out, you must want to think about it. But that just isn't true when you are discussing mental illness. Most people can't understand because they just can't imagine wanting to commit such horrific acts of unimaginable cruelty. They can't begin to understand this obsession of mine. They think that if you fantasize about something you must want to make the fantasy come true. But it's far more complicated than that. They can't understand how I could fantasize such disgusting imagery, how I could derive such pleasure from that fantasy, and yet be so disgusted later by the exact same thoughts or urges, or at the thought of how much I enjoyed the fantasy just moments before. I could relive the rapes and murders that I committed, and when reliving those despicable acts in my mind I could experience such orgasmic pleasure that it is hard to describe. But afterward I felt such a sense of loathing and self-hatred that I often longed for my execution. I was tired of being tormented by my own sick, demented mind. So unbelievably tired.

And the urge to hurt someone could come over me at any time.  Powerful urges welled up for no reason, and with no warning.  I remember once when I was being escorted from the Mental Health Unit back to my cell after seeing my psychiatrist. There was a small stairway that led from the unit to the main corridor. I was being led, without any restraints, by a small, young, female correctional officer. When I got to the stairwell, I was suddenly flooded with an overwhelming desire to hurt her. I knew I had to get out of that stairwell, and I ran up the stairs and out into the hallway. I will never forget how she shouted at me to stop and threatened to write me a disciplinary report-she didn't have a clue as to what was going on. I didn't know this woman; she had done me no harm; yet suddenly I was filled with a powerful desire to hurt her. She never knew just how badly I wanted to hurt her that day. She never knew how close I came to attacking her and maybe even killing her. You would think that after being sentenced to death and living on death row, such urges and thoughts would be curbed. But they weren't, for this illness defies rationality.

I have found some relief, however. About two and a half years after I came to death row, I started to receive weekly injections of a drug called Depo-Provera. Depo-Provera has been used for years as a female contraceptive in Europe and recently was approved for use in America. For sex offenders it is used at a significantly higher dosage than what women take for contraceptive purposes: Women receive 150 milligrams every three months; I received 700 milligrams weekly. In men, Depo-Provera significantly reduces the body's natural production of the male sex hormone, testosterone.  For some reason, whether because of some abnormal biological hookup in my brain or some sort of chemical imbalance, testosterone affects my mind differently than it affects the average male's mind.

A few months after I started to receive my weekly injections, my blood serum testosterone levels dropped below prepubescent levels (last month my level was 12 ng/dl, with the normal range being 260-1,250 ng/dl); and as this happened, nothing less than a miracle occurred. My obsessive thoughts, urges, and fantasies began to diminish.

Having those thoughts and urges is like living with an obnoxious roommate. You cannot get away from him because he is always there. What Depo-Provera did was to move that roommate down the hall to his own apartment. The problem was still there, but it was a whole lot easier to deal with because it wasn't always in the foreground. He didn't control me anymore-I was in control of him. It was an unbelievable sense of freedom. It made me feel as if I were a human being again, instead of some sort of horrible monster. For three years I had a sort of peace of mind.

Then I developed liver problems, a very rare side effect of the hormonal shots, so I was forced to discontinue the medication. Soon thereafter the noxious thoughts, fantasies, and urges returned. It was horrible. I felt like a blind man who had been given the gift of sight only to have it snatched away again. There was an alternative medication, but it lacked FDA approval as a treatment for sex offenders, so the Department of Corrections refused to approve its use. From my past history we knew what the problem was: testosterone. Get it out of my bloodstream so that it can't reach my mind and I am okay. So I asked to be surgically castrated, with the support and approval of my treating psychiatrist. But the department-which I am sure was afraid of headlines such as "Sex Offender Castrated by State"-refused my request. It took more than a year of fighting by a lot of good people here in the Mental Health Department before I was allowed to receive the alternative medication, a monthly shot of a drug called Depo-Lupron, which I have been receiving to date.

What made the year without medication particularly bad was that I began having thoughts and urges about hurting people here. I remember one young woman in particular, a nurse who had always gone out of her way to help me. She always had a smile,  and was always friendly to me, even though she knew who and what I was. I started having thoughts and urges of hurting this woman, and that really tore me up inside. Here was someone whom I liked, who had always helped me, and how did I repay her kindness?  By wanting to rape and strangle her. I felt uncomfortable whenever she was around, and I felt so guilty and ashamed that I could hardly look at her. Fortunately nothing ever happened, and she never found out what was going through my mind. That time is past now because I am receiving my medication, but the memories and guilt haven't gone away.

One of my doctors once told me that I am, in a sense, also a victim-a victim of an affliction that no one would want.  And sometimes I do feel like a victim, but at the same time I feel guilty and get angry for thinking that way.  How dare I consider myself a victim when the real victims are dead? How dare I consider myself a victim when the families of my true victims have to live day by day with the pain of the loss I caused?

So what if it is an affliction? So what if I was really sick? Does that really make any difference? Does that absolve me of my responsibility for the deaths of eight totally innocent women? Does it make the women any less dead? Does it ease the pain of their families? No!

I close my eyes and I see the families of the women whom I killed. Even though my trial was over a decade ago, I cannot make the visions go away. I can see Mrs. Shelley on the witness stand testifying about the last time she saw her daughter alive. I can still see the agony in her face and hear the pain in her voice as she described how she and her husband searched for their daughter, and I can vividly recall how I actually saw them searching along the roadway the day after her death. At the time I didn't know who they were, but I knew whom they were searching for. I close my eyes and I am haunted by the vision of Mrs. Stavinsky on the witness stand testifying how on Thanksgiving Day she had to go to the morgue to identify her daughter's body. "She was hurt bad," she testified as she broke down and cried. "She was hurt real bad."

It is hard for me to close my eyes and not see these people as they appeared during the court proceedings.  I can still, eleven years later, very clearly see how they looked at me; I can still feel their anger and hatred.  I tried very hard to pretend none of this bothered me.  I put up a facade of nonchalance to show that nothing was getting to me.  I intentionally chatted and joked with my lawyers and with the sheriff's deputies as if I didn't have a care in the world.  But although I tried very hard not to show it, I did see the families of my victims.  And it is their faces, their pain, that haunt me today.

I wish I knew how to tell them just how sorry I am. But there are no words to describe what I feel. How do you tell someone you are sorry when you have stolen something so very precious from them?  How do you tell them you are sorry when those very words sound so inadequate that you are ashamed to even speak them in their presence for fear of making things worse? I cannot even face them, never mind ask for their forgiveness. And while I would really like them to understand what happened and why, I don't expect they will ever truly understand the insanity that drove me to kill their loved ones.

And that is the big question: Was I really insane?  The big question that has everyone all riled up is a question that in the end may not matter at all.  Whether I was sane or insane can't change the facts of what happened, can't bring anyone back, can't ease the families' pain. And it can't cleanse my guilt, or wash the blood off of my hands. It can't change anything, resolve anything, or absolve anything.

I think that is part of the reason why I volunteered for execution and more recently tried to accept the death penalty and avoid another full-blown penalty hearing.  When I first came to death row I was filled with anger at how the prosecutor had twisted and distorted the facts of my case. I was consumed with an intense desire to prove that my mental illness does in fact exist, and that the mental illness did in fact deprive me of my ability to control my actions, and that my mental illness was in fact the cause of my criminal conduct. I wanted so badly for everyone to understand and believe that I really was sick and that it was the sickness within me that did the killing. I wanted to prove that I wasn't the animal the state portrayed me to be. I just wanted the truth to be known.

It took a very long time -  years - in fact -  for that anger and intense need to exonerate myself to leave me. With the help of my medication, I understand my past much better now, and I am much more at peace with myself now, and not so much concerned with what others might think of me. I would still like to prove the real reasons why I committed such atrocious acts, but it is no longer an overriding concern of mine.  And to be completely honest, after years of banging my head against the wall trying to prove my case, I'm tired and no longer certain that I will ever be able to prove my lack of criminal responsibility, and I have come to believe that any such thoughts are simply wishful thinking.

There are times, usually late at night when things finally begin to quiet down around here, that I sit in my cell and wonder, "What the hell am I doing here?"  Most people would probably think that this is a pretty silly question; obviously I'm here because I've killed many people and I deserve to be here. And that is okay on one level. But I think of the underlying reasons why I did those terrible things. I believe I am severely mentally ill and that the illness drove me to commit my crimes. I know that I may never be able to prove that in a court of law, but in here, in my cell, I don't have to prove anything to anybody. I know what the truth is. I know that I have an illness and that I'm no more responsible for having that illness than another person is for getting cancer or developing diabetes. But somehow "You're sick, and sometimes people just get sick" doesn't seem to cut it. I feel responsible. I wonder if things in my childhood may have made a difference. My mother was institutionalized twice by our family doctor because of how she was treating, or rather abusing, us kids. Maybe things would have been different if I had run away as my younger brother did. But this is an exercise in futility, because you can't change the past-yet at the same time you can't help but wonder what might have been.

In a way, I guess I am luckier than most inmates, even though I am sitting here on death row. I know and long ago accepted that I can never be freed, that in fact to release me would be to condemn others to their deaths. Regardless of the reasons why I kill-be it premeditated murder, as is generally thought, or the result of insanity-the fact remains that I kill, and there is no reason to believe that will ever change. That's not to say I don't want to get out of this place, for it is very dehumanizing here, and I greatly long for the outside. But I feel a sense of contentment knowing I will never be released. I know that must sound strange coming from a sadistic killer like me, but I do feel as if a huge load has been lifted from my shoulders.

So where do I stand today? The state prosecutor will once again seek the death penalty in the upcoming resentencing hearing. The only real issue that needs to be resolved at that hearing is whether or not my "mental capacity was significantly impaired." Under the law that applies in my case, if I am found to be suffering from a "significant mental illness," that will be considered a statutory mitigating factor that by Connecticut law would preclude my being sentenced to death. In that case I would be automatically sentenced to six consecutive life sentences without the possibility of release. The prosecution's strategy will undoubtedly be as it was last time-to inflame the jury's passions into ignoring the evidence of a psychiatric illness.  And there is a good chance that he will once again succeed.

Knowing the situation as I do, and wishing to spare all concerned the emotional agony of going through a new trial-especially the families of my victims-I wrote a letter to the prosecutor on September 25, 1994, which said in part:

There is no need for the penalty hearing to go forward. There is no need and no purpose served in unnecessarily opening old wounds. There is no need and no purpose served in inflicting further emotional harm or distress on the families of my victims. I do not wish to hurt these people further-it's time for healing.

I had volunteered for execution precisely to avoid the situation that we currently find ourselves in. And I am willing to hand you the death penalty "on a silver platter" on the condition that you will work with me to get this over with as quickly and as painlessly as possible. There is no need to drag the families of my victims through more lengthy and disturbing court proceedings. Please allow me to go into the courtroom to admit to my actions; to accept responsibility for my actions; and to accept the death penalty as punishment for those actions. I'm not asking you to do this for me, but for the families involved, who do not deserve to suffer further and who, in some small way, might gain a sense of peace of mind by these actions and my execution.

For almost four years I worked with the state's attorney to fashion an agreement that would allow the death penalty to be imposed without going through a full-blown penalty hearing. We signed that agreement on March 11, 1998. However, on August 1, 1998, a Superior Court judge rejected the agreement because he found it "unsettling" that the prosecutor would work with me on my wish to be executed without a fight. He ruled: "Shortcuts on procedure where an individual's life hangs in the balance cannot be tolerated under our system of criminal justice." This very effectively destroyed four years of hard work. Since I cannot appeal his decision, it appears that I have no choice but to prepare for the long and painful penalty hearing. I very much regret that I have failed the families of my victims. Jury selection and testimony for this new penalty hearing should begin in a few months.

So what can be learned from this sad story ?  I'm not really sure, because it seems to be pretty tragic all the way around.  Maybe it is an indictment of our current medical system and societal attitudes-especially in how we treat the mentally ill. We can begin by treating mental illness as just that: an illness that needs to be recognized and treated instead of stigmatized. Without a doubt there are other Michael Rosses out there in various stages of development. They need places where they can go for help, and they need to know that it is okay for them to go for that help. One of the most difficult and painful things for me to deal with today is to know that had I begun to receive just a one-cc injection of Depo-Lupron once a month fifteen years ago, eight women would be alive today. The problem is real, but the issue of sexual deviancy is a taboo topic in our society. We would much rather turn our backs to the problem and pretend that it doesn't exist.

Am I trying to blame society for my illness? Am I trying to imply that you, as a member of society, are responsible for my turning into a killer? No, of course not. But I am saying that society needs to learn and to make the necessary changes to prevent its recurrance. It's easy for you to point your finger at me, to call me "evil," and to condemn me to death. But if that is all that happens, it will be a terrible waste, for in a sense you will be condemning yourselves to a future filled with Michael Rosses. Future tragic murders such as those I committed can be prevented, but only if society stops turning its back, stops condemning, and begins to squarely acknowledge and treat the problem.  Only then will something constructive come out of the events that took the lives of eight women, destroyed the quality of life of their families and friends, resulted in my incarceration, and probable execution, and caused untold shame and anguish to my own family.  The past has already happened.  Its now up to you to change the future.


Seeking Reconciliation From Death Row by Michael Ross

My name is Michael Ross. I am a condemned man on Connecticut's death row. When most people think of death row inmates, I'm the one that they think of. I'm the worst of the worst, a man who has raped and murdered eight women, assaulted several others, and stalked and frightened many more. And when I am finally executed, the vast majority of the people of this state will celebrate my death. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can see the hundreds of people who will gather outside the prison gates on the night of my execution. I can see them waving placards, drinking and rejoicing, and I can hear their cheers as my death is officially announced.

I have lived here on Connecticut's death row for over eight and a half years now. I live in an eight-by-ten foot unpainted concrete cell for 23 hours a day - 24 hours a day on weekends. I come out for an hour of "recreation" five days a week. Other than that, the only other times that I come out is for a 15-minute shower five days a week, and for the occasional visit (one half hour, through glass, on a telephone). I eat all of my meals in my cell, brought to me in a styrofoam box three times a day. I live in a single cell so I live alone - and since I can only talk to the two people in the cells on either side of me I quite often feel alone.

One of the results of this almost total isolation is that, after a while, a person is forced to look at himself. I'm not talking about the cursory, superficial manner in which most people look at themselves, but rather a quite painful, unrelenting search of one's very soul.

Many inmates in prison, and many of those on death row, are able to lie convincingly to themselves, to see themselves as basically good people who are the innocent victims of a corrupt judicial system or of an unfair and uncaring society in general. Sometimes it is very difficult to honestly see ourselves as we truly are, and much easier to blame others as justification for our actions. I know this to be true because for years this is exactly what I did. During this period I was angry - so very angry - at everyone and everything except for the one person I should have been angry with - myself. It took a very long time - years in fact - for this anger to subside and for me to begin to accept who I was and what I had become, and even longer before I was ready and willing to accept responsibility for my actions.

Two things primarily led to this transformation. Much of the credit for the first goes to a psychiatrist from the Sexual Disorders Clinic at the Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland - Dr. Fred Berlin. He diagnosed me as suffering from a paraphiliac mental disorder and was indispensable in my fight to get the Department of Correction to acknowledge my disorder and to treat it with the medication that I now receive. The drug - Depo-Lupron - clears my head of the vile and noxious thoughts of rape and murder that plagued my mind for so long, and the drug eliminates the previously uncontrollable urges that drove me to commit the crimes that put me here on death row. That monster still lives in my head, but the medication has chained him and has banished him to the back of my mind. And while he is still able to mock me, he can no longer control me - I control him; I am human once again.

You cannot begin to imagine what a milestone this was in my life. Try to imagine a time that a melody or some catchy tune got stuck in your mind playing over and over and over again, driving you crazy. The harder that you try to push that tune out of your head, the louder and more persistent it becomes. Now try to imagine that instead of a harmless yet annoying tune, you experience filthy and despicable urges, desires and fantasies of the degradation, rape and murder of innocent women. Day in and day out. They fill your thoughts and fantasies when you are awake. They are in your dreams when you sleep. Imagine trying to control the urges, day by day, hour by hour. And try to imagine the self-hatred, loathing and abhorrence that you develop toward yourself when you fail. If you can imagine this then you will have only begun to understand what I have experienced, what I had to live with, what I had become. And only then will you begin to understand the true blessing that this medication was to me.

But the medication was only part of the story of my personal transformation. It gave me back my mind -- a clear mind free of the malevolent thoughts and urges. And it allowed my humanity to awaken giving me back something that I thought I had lost forever. But this was just the first step, and perhaps the easiest, for I didn't have to do anything -- the medication did it for me. Now began the more difficult part of my transformation, an examination of myself -- a very profound, very painful, and ongoing examination.

Now that my mind was clear, for the first time, I began to see -- really see. It was like a spotlight shining down on me, burning away the mist, exposing every shadow of my being. I began to see things as they really were. I began to see things I didn't like. And many of the things that I saw brought me great anguish.

I saw how weak and afraid I really was -- I had always thought that I was strong and confident. I saw how I had allowed the monster in my mind to take control of me. I saw what I had become. And worst of all, for the first time, I saw the pain that I had brought to so many -- such great and unceasing pain.

After my eyes were finally opened and I saw the truth of what I had become and what I had done, I began to feel things -- unpleasant, disturbing feelings. I began to feel the terrible agony and distress that I had brought to so many: my victims, the families and friends of my victims, my own family. And I also began to feel the awesome weight of my responsibility for my actions and of my responsibility to the people that I have harmed. And finally, I felt a profound sense of guilt. An intense, overwhelming and pervasive guilt that surrounds my very soul with dark tormented clouds filled with a mixture of self hatred, remorse, regrets, and sorrow. All of which leaves me with a deep desire to make amends and achieve reconciliation -- something which under the circumstances seems all but impossible.

Yet it is this sense of reconciliation that I yearn for the most. Reconciliation with the spirit of my victims. Reconciliation with the families and friends of my victims. And finally, reconciliation with myself and my God. This will be the final part of my transformation and undoubtedly the most difficult part.

I am fortunate to have a good friend and guide for this part of my journey. Reverend John Gilmartin, a member of a group called Murder Victims' Families For Reconciliation, who makes a six-hour round trip drive to see me once a month. I have traveled a great distance and have gone through quite a transformation since that day when I first set foot on death row -- most of it alone. And I am very grateful and thankful for the help that Reverend Gilmartin has given me over the past couple of years. With his help, and if it is God's will, I will achieve that reconciliation that I so desire, and hopefully complete my transformation into one who is worthy of redemption and forgiveness. My journey is still far from over, but at least now I can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. May God give me the strength, perseverance, and moral fortitude to complete my journey before I am finally executed.


On God's Death Row - by Michael B. Ross

Be watchful! Be alert! You do not know when the time will come. (Mark 13:33, New American Bible)

I'm sure that you have been told at one time or another that all of us, in a sense, live on death row. It is a favorite topic of many preachers. Human beings are mortal, and death is inevitable. As such, death is life's most powerful enemy, no matter who we are-no matter how wealthy, how powerful, how blessed-we all will eventually succumb to death. Instinctively, all of us resist death with every fiber of our being. This is completely natural and to be expected.

Are you prepared for death? Have you thought about that day when there are no more tomorrows? Many of us have not. That is because many of us fear death; it is a very difficult topic for us to deal with, so we ignore its very possibility. Many of us try to deny its power, its inevitability, its very existence. When it does come, usually unexpectedly, we are generally unprepared.

Facing My Mortality. I live on death row. Not exactly the same death row that the preachers will tell you that you live on. Mine is far more concrete, far more immediate. I am to be executed by the State of Connecticut. I will know, to within a few minutes, the exact day and time that I will die. I will know the exact day and time that I will meet Christ. And while I expect that this may sound strange, this has been a great blessing to me.

I have been forced to face my own mortality. I have been blessed with time to try to set things right and make my peace with God. I have been given time to ask and seek forgiveness from those whom I have hurt. I have been given time for my own hurts to be healed and to forgive those who have hurt me. My time is coming, and I have been given time to prepare for my meeting with Christ. It is a blessing that few are fortunate to experience.

Don't misunderstand me: I don't look forward to my execution. I don't welcome the prospect of death. I have my own concerns and fears about it, as I suspect we all do. Everyone fears the unknown, and death is the greatest of unknowns. Every day, I pray that some miracle will come to pass which will deliver me from this man-made death row and spare me from the hands of a human executioner. I would like a second chance at life; anyone in my situation would. However, should I not get that chance, I am at least fortunate enough to have had time to prepare for my death.

How Will We Live?. I recently read about a Christian who was dying of pancreatic cancer. He wrote some wonderful words that I take great comfort in-words that I have made into a personal prayer of mine. I try to live by these words and I would like to share them with you:

My future is uncertain. The joy is knowing that it is completely in God's hands. All I have to do is thank him. If I have not much longer to live, then that is God's will and it should mean something. My task is to find out what it means. I have no complaints, only thanks! If it is God's pleasure to give me a chance to start over again, that's wonderful. If it is not his pleasure and he has other tasks for me, I accept that. Faith doesn't depend upon me having my way; faith depends on God having his way. This must be my highest joy and delight. Otherwise, how can I pray, "Thy will be done"?

Few of us will have the blessing of knowing the hour of our death. But each of us must still face his own mortality. Each of us must prepare for his own death. The question is: How do we do that?

This may sound paradoxical, but preparation for death is not a matter of how we die, but a matter of how we live. It is the great promise of Christ that as we live, so shall we die. To live for Christ means that we must be prepared to die every single day of our lives. For if we are prepared to die daily for Christ, we will receive eternal life and our promised salvation.

To truly prepare for death, we must live each day as if it were our last. We must live that day for Christ. This is more difficult than it sounds; it is very easy to be distracted and count on tomorrow always being there. We must not allow ourselves to be distracted; we must not count on tomorrow. Instead, we are to remember our own mortality and our purpose for being. As the Indian mystic Sundar Singh said: Only during the few years of this life are we given the privilege of serving each other and Christ. We will have heaven forever, but have only a short time for service here, and therefore must not waste the opportunity. These words tell us not to waste the few glorious opportunities that we have to live for Christ.

Cherish Each Day. This is easier for me to do than it is for most people. I have the specter of death always hanging over my head. I will meet Christ soon. Every morning when I wake up, I try to recall that I have few opportunities left to serve Christ here in this world. I try hard not to count on tomorrow, because I may have but a few tomorrows left.

I didn't always think this way. Twenty years ago I was a young man heading off to an Ivy League College. Like most people that age I didn't often ponder my mortality. In many ways I felt immortal; I assumed that tomorrow would always be there. As I sit alone here in this cell, I look back on those youthful days with anguish. Today, I can remember all the lost opportunities of yesterday. I see the things that I could have done and should have done, things I always intended to do "tomorrow." It is terrible to feel that you have wasted your life. It is a terrible feeling I pray you will never experience.

Don't count on tomorrow. Cherish and live each day as if it were your last. Live the life that God has given to you to its fullest potential. And live each day that God has given you for his glory. Don't forget Jesus' teaching about the two greatest commandments: "Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. . . . Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37,39). Not just sometimes, not just when you have the time and it is convenient. Every day!

Your next encounter with your neighbor may be your last. Seek forgiveness and forgive those who have hurt you. Not tomorrow-today! Repent to God for your past transgressions and live each day to further his glory. Now, right this minute; tomorrow may never come. If you live each day as if it were your last, you need not worry about death. You will be prepared for that day when it comes, even if it comes unexpectedly.

Join Me in Prayer. I live on death row and I would like to invite you to join me. Not here on Connecticut's death row-there are too many of us here already-but on God's death row. For when you live on God's death row, you live for God, for his glory, every day. You may not be fortunate enough to know when your death is at hand, but you will be prepared.

Are you prepared to meet Jesus? Are you ready to stand before God to give an account of your life? Are you ready, especially if death should strike suddenly? Are you living on God's death row? If you accept my invitation to live on God's death row, then please join me in a prayer from the Way of the Cross, a prayer that has much meaning to me, and I hope will have as much meaning for you:

My Lord Jesus, you laid your life down for me. I willl lay down my life for you. I offer you my death with all the pain that may surround it, accepting at this moment, whatever kind of death you have in store for me. I give you my life and my death, my body and soul, my whole being now and forever. n

Editor's Note: Michael B. Ross is a condemned man who has been on Connecticut's death row since June of 1987. Currently he is under a stay of execution pending the resolution of the appeals process.


WHY I CHOOSE DEATH RATHER THAN TO FIGHT FOR LIFE
    

By Michael P. Ross #127404

My name is Michael Ross. I am a convicted serial killer who has
murdered eight women in three states. In July of 1987 I received six
death sentences for the murders of several young women in the State of
Connecticut. My death sentences were overturned in July of 1994 by the
Connecticut State Supreme Court, who ruled that my original penalty phase was
flawed and ordered a new capital penalty phase be held to determine whether I
should be resentenced to death or given multiple sentences of life without the
possibility of release (the alternative to the death penalty in this state).

For reasons, which I will try to explain in this article, I decided that I would no
longer fight the imposition of the death penalty in my case. I was forced to fire my
public defenders - who quite understandable opposed my decision - and in early
1995 Judge Purtill in New London Superior Court granted my request to proceed
pro se (as my own counsel). For the past two and a half years,

This case has bounced around from the Superior Court to the Connecticut Supreme
Court and back to the Superior Court level again. During this time T have worked
with C. Robert Satti, Sr., the prosecutor who successfully tried my case and put me
on death row over a decade ago. Mr. Satti, who retired three years ago, is acting as
a Special State's Attorney overseeing the prosecution of my case. While T have
been actively working with Mr. Satti to create a set of stipulations that would result
in my being resentenced to death, Mr. Patrick Culligan, Chief of Trial Services for
the Division of Public Defender Services has been working just as hard in his
position as "Amicus Counsel, (a position designated by Judge Purtill to advise the
court) to prevent any agreement from going forward that would circumvent the
need for a full-blown penalty bearing from taking place.

Few people truly understand why I have chosen to accept the death penalty as
opposed to at least trying to fight for my life. Because T believe that it is very
important for not only the legal system, but the public at large to understand why I
have chosen this unusual path that will lead to my consensual execution T have
decided to write this article. It is my hope, that through this article, I will be able to
help the general public to better understand the motivations and reasoning behind
my actions that have led me to the point that the proceedings are at today.

There is a lot of misinformation floating around about why I have chosen to accept
the death penalty instead of pursuing a new penalty capital sentencing phase and
fighting for my life. I've heard that I am suicidal. I've had my competency
questioned and in fact have undergone a court-ordered competency exam before T
was allowed to dismiss my public defenders and proceed pro se I've heard that I
would prefer to be executed rather than to spend the rest of my natural life in
prison. I've even heard that this is all reverse psychology - that by asking for the
death penalty, I am in fact hoping to receive a life sentence.

My decision to accept the death penalty was not an easy one. The death penalty is
a serious punishment. It is not something to be taken lightly. Indeed, I have done
much soul-searching over the years that I have been confined on death row. And
while I would not recommend this decision to any other death row inmate, I am
convinced that this is the morally right decision for me. I will try to explain.

To begin with, I would like to state for the record that I have no animosity towards
Mr. Culligan and the Public 'Defender's office in general. Given the undisputed
facts, the death penalty is clearly inappropriate in my particular case under the old
capital punishment law that applies to me - a non-weighing law that dictates that the
death penalty cannot be imposed if a single mitigating factor exists. The objection of
the Public Defender's Office to the arranged stipulations between the state and
myself is entirely appropriate given the circumstances of my case. I cannot fault
them for doing what they believe is right - but they must realize that I must do what
I believe is right as well.

Personally, I applaud the public defender's position against capital punishment. I
fully agree with their stance. I myself oppose capital punishment and over the years
that I have been on death row I have authored numerous articles about why I
believe it is wrong for any state or government to judicially execute its citizens for
any reason. By my estimate, the many anti-capital punishment articles that I have
written over the years have been published over 150 times in various books,
magazines, newspapers and newsletters. So I am fully aware of the arguments
made by the Public Defender's Office, and I fully support their position and efforts
to bring about the abolition of capital punishment in this state.

However, the fact remains that, currently, capital punishment is the law in this
state. The fact remains that I have been convicted of capital crimes and that I am in
fact facing a new capital sentencing bearing. And the fact remains that I have
certain decisions to make in regards to that hearing. Now I would like to be clear
that I have no problems with the public defender's opposition to capital punishment
in general. But, I do have a problem when they try to interfere with my personal
decisions regarding negotiations that I have engaged in to resolve this case in a
manner that I believe will barm the least number of people. These are decisions-of
a deeply personal nature that I must wrestle with and resolve on my own. These
are decisions that I and I alone, must make. No one can make these decisions for
me, not the court; not the state's attorney; not the public defender; not my closest
of friends; not even my own family. And while I truly appreciate the concern
shown by Mr. Culligan and the Public Defender's Office for my personal welfare,
they must recognize that I have to make these decisions on my own, without
further interference from them.

Let me state for the record that I have no death wish. I am not suicidal. It is very
frustrating to me that every time the press covers my case I read the- - words
"Michael-Rose wants--to die." Michael Ross does not want to die. Michael Ross I
would gladly accept multiple life sentences to put an end to this ordeal. Michael
Ross would be perfectly content If Mr. Satti could see his way to end these
proceedings now by dropping his pursuit of the death penalty and would allow the
court to sentence me to prison for the rest of my natural life. 'But Michael Ross is
also a realist, and knows that is not about to happen.

So here I am facing a new penalty hearing in which I know that Mr. Satti will do
anything and everything to obtain new death sentences - it is his job. As far as I am
concerned, the only relevant issue in my case now, as it has been since this case
began a decade and a half ago, is whether or not I suffer from a mental illness, and
in what way, if any, that mental illness affected my actions during the period that
my crimes took place. If I do in fact suffer from a significant mental illness, that
would be a mandatory statutory factor which, by the capital law, which applies to
my case, would preclude the Imposition of the death penalty in my particular case.
That is what this whole case has been about from the very beginning. This is not a
"who done it?" case - I fully confessed to all of my actions - it is a "why was it
done?" case.

I do not contest the existence of an aggravating factor which the state needs to
prove to impose the death penalty and I have in fact, on numerous occasions,
offered to stipulate that an

aggravating factor does in fact exist (such a stipulation would negate the need for
the state to present evidence to prove its case). -However, Mr. Satti has repeatedly
declined my offer stating that be does not want what he refers to a "cold"
stipulation. Mr. Satti has consistently stated that if our agreement is not allowed to
go forward that he will insist on a jury trial. At that trial, he will introduce the
hot-blooded, grossly disturbing facts and evidence in an attempt to enrage the jury's
passions into ignoring any evidence of psychological impairment. That is exactly
what be did successfully over a decade ago at my original trial, and I have
absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that be would act any differently today.
And it is that gory presentation of aggravation, what he presents and how he
presents it, that I am trying to avoid by agreeing to accept the death penalty by
stipulation.

I concede the aggravation. I am willing to stipulate to the aggravation so that it
would not be necessary to present such emotionally disturbing evidence and
testimony. There is no need for such testimony, especially when it could do such
potential harm, not to myself - I deserve whatever I get but to the friends and
families of my victims. They have been hurt enough by my actions in the past.
They should not be needlessly hurt further now.

All I have to do is close my eyes and I can see Mrs. Shelley when she testified at
my previous trial about the last contact that she had with her daughter. It remains
very vivid, even though it happened over a decade ago. I can still see her tears. I
can still hear the pain in her voice - pain that I caused. I can close my eyes and still
vividly see the path and the agony on the face and in the voice of Mrs. sSavin6ky
as she testified how on-that Thanksgiving Day she had to go to the morgue to
identify her daughter's body. "She was hurt bad," she said as she cried, "She was
hurt real bad." All that I have to do is close my eyes, and I can see the other family
members as they testified - I cannot make it go away. I can see and remember their
pain. I don't want them or any other friends or relatives, to have to go through the
pain and distress of such testimony again. I don't want them to once again have to
view the crime scene photographs depicting their daughter's decomposing bodies. I
don't want them to have to view the morgue photographs again. I don't want them
to hear yet again the awful details of how I sadistically brutalized and murdered
their daughters. I don't want them to have to relive all over again the past,
especially in such excruciating detail that would be inherent in the evidence and
testimony produced during the aggravating portion of the penalty phase. It is not
necessary it is totally unnecessary.

I tried to avoid that by asking the court to bold a special hearing to determine
whether or not the mitigating factor of a significant mental illness did in fact exist, as
a matter of law. Such a bearing would have involved both sides bringing in their
expert psychiatric witnesses to present evidence and argue their perspective
positions. If the court had agreed, and I was able to successfully prove that the
statutory mitigating factor of a significant mental illness did in fact exist, the court
would have been required to sentence me to multiple life sentences then and there,
and I would have, achieved my goal of preventing another full-blown penalty
hearing, but that did not happen.

To this date I cannot understand why the court refused to hold the special hearing
that I requested. The existence of my mental illness is well documented and not
refuted by any psychiatric experts. As an amicus (friend of the court) brief filed in
my state appeal put it: "It is not often that the defense and prosecution psychiatric
experts in a contested proceeding agree on both a diagnosis and its ramifications.
This is just such an unusual case."

I was sentenced to death by a jury because the state's attorney had mocked the
defense psychiatric witnesses as both hired guns and incompetent fools, while at the
same time biding the, fact from the jury that his own expert concurred with the
defense experts. The Connecticut State Supreme Court agreed with this assessment
and overturned my death sentences noting that the state psychiatric expert's "report
corroborated the defense psychiatric experts" opinions that the defendant suffered
from sexual sadism. Not only did this evidence bear directly on the question of
whether, at the time of the offense, the defendant's mental capacity was
significantly impaired, so as to warrant mitigation, but it could have appeared more
objective and worthy of belief than evidence adduced by the defendant from his
own expert witnesses, And they further concluded "that the improper exclusion of
this unique evidence was more likely than not to have affected the result of the
sentencing hearing." Why they did not

just impose multiple life (without the possibility of release) sentences is beyond me
- it would have saved the state the thousands of dollars that it has spent in the last
three years of court hearings since my death sentences' were overturned.

My only other option to avoid another full-blown penalty hearing was to enter into
an agreement with the state's attorney. It was an agreement that I came up with,
because it was the only thing that I could think of. The agreement is simple and
straightforward. I give the state the death penalty on a silver platter, and the state
agrees to not present its case of aggravation. The state gets what it wants - the
death penalty. And I get what I want - the opportunity to do what I believe is the
right and moral thing to do. I certainly understand the opposition of the Public
Defender's Office and other capital punishment abolitionists to this agreement. It is
certainly a deal with the devil 'himself. I believe that I have every right to enter into
such an agreement. It is my decision, and a decision that no one else but I can
make. And it is a decision to which I am fully committed.

I think that at this point I should note for the record that if the court does not allow
the agreement between the state and myself to go forward, and does indeed force a
full-blown penalty hearing to take place, that I fully intend to present a case for
mitigation in an attempt to avoid the death penalty. My sole desire here is to spare
the families of my victims further pain and emotional suffering. And I am willing to
forego my right to the presentation of mitigating evidence and accept the death
penalty in order to achieve that goal. In my particular case, I do not believe that the
comparative advantage of a life sentence is worth the emotional distress that the
families of my victims would be subjected to during the aggravating portion of a
full-blown penalty hearing,., That is my own personal belief and personal desire to
spare them further unnecessary emotional pain. I however, should the state for
whatever reason, either on its own or at the direction of the court, present its case
of aggravation, then the damage will have been done. In that event, no purpose will
be served by my not fighting for my life and, in that event, I would present a full
and spirited case for mitigation and I will succeed in avoiding the death penalty (I
have absolutely no doubt of this whatsoever). As I have previously stated, I have
no death wish. I do not look forward to that day when I will be strapped to a
gurney and put to sleep like some rabid dog. In fact, the very thought of that day
coming angers me. I am not an animal. I have committed horrific crimes, but only
when I was under the control of a mental illness. That monster lives in my head
and it will always be there, somewhere hidden away in my mind. But that monster
is not me. I was never really sure of that, even during my original trial, because that
monster in my mind was so intertwined with who I was that even I had trouble
making the distinction between it and me. It was only about three years after I went
to death row, after I finally received approval for my medication - first weekly
injections of Depo-Provera, and now monthly injections of Depo-Lupron that the
monster in my mind started to lose its power and control over me and I was finally
able to begin to see what it really was; who I really was; and what the difference
was between that monster and myself.

I wish that I could plug you into my head. I wish that I could plug ever person who
wishes to see me executed into my head. Then you all could see what I see. Then
you would know what I know. Then you would see it as I do. You would then be
able to see and know the monster. And most importantly, you would then see that
it is not me. You would then see that we are truly separate and distinct entities. But
that can't happen. I can't plug you, or anyone else, into my head. So you are unable
to see what I see, know what I know. And you are unable to understand who I am
and what it is; you are unable to distinguish between the two of us.

You are equally unable to understand the amazing and radical transformation that I
have undergone since I started to receive my medication in prison. My medication
is nothing less than a miracle to me - a blessing sent by God. And I am extremely
grateful to all those individuals who fought on my behalf to help me get approval
for my medication. Chemical castration is a very controversial subject right now
and most people don't really understand what it actually does. Personally, I don't
know if it can help every sex offender, but, without a doubt, it has helped me.

I have learned much about myself since receiving my medication. And I can see
things much more clearly now. For years my mind was clouded. It was cluttered
with the self-centered thoughts generated by my sickness. After I started to receive
my medication my mind began to clear. I began to see things as they really were.
Previously my world was viewed through the colored glasses of my mental illness.
Put once on my medication the fog began to dissipate and light began to illuminate
the dark shadows of my mind-. It was, and still is very difficult. For I began to be
aware of many disturbing things that brought me great anguish and despair.

For the first time I saw the monster for what it really was. I slowly understood how
I had allowed that monster in my mind to take control of me. I saw what it had
turned me into. I saw what I had become. This wasn't an easy realization, and it
took me years to accept. And it took me even longer to accept that, despite my
mental Illness, I was still ultimately completely responsible for what happened. That
I was still responsible for allowing it to control me. That I should have fought back
harder; should have been stronger. That I should have done whatever was
necessary to stop it. That I should have taken my own life before I allowed it to
take the lives of others. I had considered suicide on numerous occasions when I
was a student at Cornell University, when the horror was just beginning and the
monster was not yet fully developed. But I lacked the courage. I just couldn't do it
because I wasn't strong enough. I would go to a particular bridge and stare into one
of Cornell's famous gorges, but I could never bring myself to jump. I was a
coward. My greatest guilt lies in the knowledge that because I did not have the
courage to take my own life, that ultimately eight totally innocent women paid with
theirs. It took me a very long time to accept that responsibility. And it is a
responsibility that weighs heavily upon my mind.

But that was only the beginning of my responsibilities. I began to see things that
happened during my trial, but that I was truly unable t o fully comprehend at the
time because my mind was so full of other garbage; so self-centered on the needs
created by the monster inside of my mind which still dominated me. I am so
ashamed of the lack of caring and the insensitivity that I openly displayed during
my original trial. I saw the pain around me, but I couldn't feel it; I couldn't react to
it; and I couldn't accept responsibility for it.

It took a long time for me to begin to feel the pain that I have caused others to feel.
It took a long time before I could understand the agony; the distress; the anger; and
the sense of loss that my past actions have caused. I apologize to those who I have
harmed. I am so sorry. I know that those words don't mean much "I'm sorry." The
words sound so inadequate, almost insulting given the enormity of my actions. For
years I have wanted to publicly say those words, but I was afraid to. I was afraid of
making things worse. I am still very much afraid that my words will be taken
wrongly, that they will cause more pain, more anger, and more hatred. I wish that I
had better words to say, but though I have struggled to find them, I have failed and
cannot think of any. It is my deepest hope that those who I have hurt will be able to
take these words for what they are truly meant to be A sincere, albeit inadequate
apology.

I wish that I could bring back the women that I have killed. I wish that I could trade
my life for theirs - if that were possible I would have done so long ago. I wish that I
could undo all of the pain and suffering that I have caused. But I can't. As much as
I hate it, nothing that I say or do now can bring back the lives that I have taken.
Nothing that I say or do now can even begin to make restitution for my past
actions.

But I can stop further pain. I can't undo the past, but I can try to prevent the
future. I can try to prevent the further infliction of needless emotional pain and
suffering upon the families of my victims. That is my goal today. That is what I
have been fighting for in the legal system for almost three years now. That is why I
originally wrote a letter to Special State's Attorney C. Robert Satti, Sr., three years
ago offering to accept the death penalty rather than go through another penalty
phase. That is why I had to fire the Public Defender's Office when my lawyers', of
over a decade two men who had become my very dear friends, refused to go along
with my proposal. That is why I have represented myself for almost three years
now (all the while knowing and agreeing with the saying "that a man who represents
himself, has a fool for a client"). And that is why I have continued to fight,
undaunted, when everyone, and I mean everyone, said that I wouldn't make it even
this far. That what I was proposing was insane and that no court would ever allow
it to proceed.

And I must tell you that it has not been easy. There have been times when I was
sorely tempted to accept legal counsel, to just sit back and say, the hell with it all,"
and let the lawyers fight it out among themselves. You have no idea what it is like
to stand in a courtroom with your life, and the well being of others, on the line and
pretend to know what the hell you are doing. And perhaps most difficult, it has not
been easy to look into the eyes of my friends - friends who beg me to fight for my
life; friends who believe in me; good friends who I have found to be quite rare and
are very precious to me. Friends who I pray will understand that I am doing what I
must do. That I am doing what I believe is necessary. That I am doing what I
believe is right. And that is why I have decided not to fight for my life and have in
fact been actively fighting for my consensual execution be allowed to proceed. I
hope that what I have written here today will help the reader, and the general public
at large, to better understand my actions and reasoning. But with all due respect, no
one is required to understand the reasoning behind my actions. With all due respect,
no one is required to agree with my reasoning or agree with my actions all that I
require and request from both the legal system and the public at large is that you
acknowledge my right to make such decisions. These are the most fundamental of
decisions - life and death decisions. These are decisions of a deeply personal nature
- affecting my rights of self-determination. You may agree with me, or you may
disagree with me, that is your right as citizens of this country. All I ask is that as I
respect your right to agree or disagree with me, that you will respect my right to
make this the most fundamental of decisions.

I have searched long and hard; looked into the very depths of my motivations;
looked into the very heart of my soul. And I have decided to stand up and to accept
responsibility for my past actions and to accept the consequences of those actions.
These are my choices and choices that only I can make. These choices will not
absolve me of my guilt or allow me to even begin to make restitution for my past -
there is no way, short of the mercy of God himself, that I may be absolved of my
guilt, and there is no way that I could ever possibly make restitution for the pain
and suffering that I have caused. But these choices will, at the very least in my
mind, allow me to begin to restore my personal sense of respect and dignity. I can't
right the past, but I can try to do what is right now. And if I am very lucky, perhaps
sometime in the future - most likely long after my execution - my actions here
today might help someone in their grieving process and hopefully help them to heal
the wounds that I created. If that does In fact happen, it will justify my actions here
today, and will have made all of my efforts of the past three years worthwhile.


Awaiting the End of Time    by Michael B. Ross

                     But according to his promise we await new
                     heavens and a new earth in which
                     righteousness dwells.
                     (2 Peter 3:13)

                     The end time. The end of all things and all life
                     as we know it. A terrible time. A very frightening
                     time. A time when "the heavens will pass away
                     with a terrible noise and heavenly bodies will
                     disappear in fire, and the earth and everything on
                     it will be burned up" (2 Peter 3:10).

                     But as fearsome as that time promises to be, it
                     also promises to be the most glorious of times. A
                     terrible and painful transformation from the
                     limited experience that we have now to what God
                     promises we will have with him. It is the time of
                     the final judgment, when all people will be
                     gathered before God. Judgment day, when the
                     righteous and just will be separated from the
                     unrighteous and unjust. The time when the
                     ungodly will be cast into damnation, while the
                     godly inherit "a new earth in which righteousness
                     dwells."

                     What Is God Waiting For? The righteous are
                     sometimes very impatient, secure in their
                     knowledge of salvation, eager to reap the
                     rewards promised by God, and just as eager to
                     see all sinners punished. "We deserve salvation,"
                     they cry. "They deserve damnation. What is God
                     waiting for?"

                     God is love. And one way that he shows this love
                     is through his infinite patience, not just for the
                     righteous, but for the transgressors as well. If
                     God only cared about the righteous, the end time
                     would have come centuries ago. But God cares
                     for all of us, even the greatest of sinners. God
                     loves all of us. He wants all of us to find our way
                     home to him. He doesn't want to leave anyone
                     behind. "The Lord is not slow to do what he has
                     promised, as some think. Instead, he is patient
                     with you, because he does not want anyone to
                     be destroyed, but wants all to turn away from
                     their sins" (2 Peter 3:9).

                     I am one of the greatest of sinners. I have
                     murdered eight women in a horrible way. Many
                     believe that I have no place in heaven, and that
                     instead I should be condemned to hell. Not too
                     long ago, I would have agreed with them. I had
                     given up on myself. I couldn't see beyond my
                     bloodstained hands. I couldn't see beyond the
                     anger and hatred in my heart. I was consumed
                     by an evil sickness that made me less than
                     human. And I believed that I was beyond
                     redemption. I couldn't believe in myself; I
                     couldn't forgive myself; I couldn't love myself.
                     And if I couldn't do these things, how could I
                     expect God to love me?

                     God Is Love. But God loves me. I can't say that
                     I fully understand why he would love someone
                     such as I--one of the greatest of all sinners--but
                     he does. This is exactly what God's love is. It
                     isn't a love that is saved for the righteous alone.
                     It isn't a love that is saved only for the
                     deserving. It is an unconditional love that is
                     offered to everyone--even to someone such as
                     myself.

                     God wants all of us to come home to him. That's
                     why he sent Jesus to us. Remember in Matthew,
                     when Jesus ate at the tax collector's home with
                     a variety of sinners and outcasts? Remember his
                     words to the Pharisees who were outraged that
                     he would associate with such sinners? "People
                     who are well do not need a doctor, but those
                     who are sick. . . . I have not come to
                     respectable people, but outcasts" (Matthew
                     9:12,13).

                     God loves us all. And he is reaching out to us all.
                     His greatest wish is that we all return to him. It's
                     easy to welcome the righteous, and it's easy to
                     reject the sinners. That's what we all tend to do.
                     As one theologian put it, "We are quick to
                     moralize, and slow to love. We have been
                     forgiven much and embraced by a compassionate
                     God, but are too slow, if not totally unwilling, to
                     be accepting, forgiving, compassionate, and
                     loving."

                     God doesn't take the easy way out. He doesn't
                     turn away from us. We may turn away from him,
                     but God will never turn away from us. And he
                     doesn't give up on us, even when we have given
                     up on ourselves. He works to transform sinners.
                     This isn't easy, and it takes time. But God is
                     merciful enough to give us that time.

                     Transformation takes time, and is quite often
                     painful. Sinners such as myself understand this all
                     too well. My personal transformation took years.
                     It was a long, painful process of self-realization
                     and growth, and I'm not finished yet. Even Paul
                     recognized personal transformation as an ongoing
                     process when he wrote, "I don't mean to say
                     that I am perfect. I haven't learned all I should
                     even yet, but I keep working toward that day
                     when I will finally be all that Christ saved me for
                     and wants me to be" (Philippians 3:12).

                     God Rolled Up His Sleeves. God got his hands
                     dirty with me. I was as sinful as they come. I
                     didn't deserve his help. I didn't deserve his love.
                     Yet as filthy and repulsive as I was, God wasn't
                     afraid to roll up his sleeves and reach down into
                     that dark, dank pit of evil to give me--the
                     greatest of sinners--a hand up to the light. It
                     didn't happen overnight. There is no such thing
                     as an instant victory over sin. It is a long, ugly,
                     painful process. And it only happens because God
                     is patient and loves us enough to give us the
                     time we need.

                     It took a lot of work before the Holy Spirit began
                     to influence who I was. It took a lot of time and
                     effort--not just on my part, but on the part of
                     God who didn't give up on me and touched me
                     with the Holy Spirit, and on the part of a very
                     special priest, who, like God, refused to give up
                     on me.

                     There are a lot of others out there like me,
                     sinners whom the righteous have given up on.
                     But God hasn't given up on them. The day of "a
                     new earth in which righteousness dwells" will
                     come. Perhaps not as soon as some might wish,
                     but it will come as promised. It's just that God is
                     in no hurry. And he is giving every opportunity
                     possible for even the greatest of sinners to
                     repent and transform their lives.




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WRITERS NEEDED FOR VHS WASTELAND MAGAZINE :  Hello ghouls, we are planning to launch a magazine devoted to the strange world of VHS. We are looking for talented writers to join our team and contribute to our new website VHS WASTELAND! If anyone is interested in being part of this new venture in to the world of fictional horror, please contact James Gilks at MADHATTERDESIGN@GMAIL.COM. Hope to have you on the team!

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Horror In Milwaukee Rare Jeffrey Dahmer Footage On DVD

 

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HORROR IN MILWAUKEE - HOURS OF RARE JEFFREY DAHMER FOOTAGE AND ORIGINAL NEWS CLIPS

THIS DVD INCLUDES HOURS OF RARE AND LOST FOOTAGE OF JEFFREY DAHMER.

PRICE : $10

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Rare Footage of the Jeffrey Dahmer Trail on DVD

 

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RARE FOOTAGE OF THE JEFFREY DAHMER TRIAL ON DVD

This DVD includes over an hour of hard to find footage taken during the Jeffrey Dahmer trial. You will see evidence, witnesses, angry family members and Jeffrey Dahmer himself take the stand. This is a must have for any true collector of the strange and macabre.

PRICE : $10

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Charles Manson in Charge 3
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BIZARRE RARE HOME MADE INTERVIEW WITH OJ SIMPSON

Produced in 1996, this rare home video marks one of the most bizarre points of athlete, actor and suspected murderer OJ Simpson’s life. Apparently OJ was frustrated that everybody thought he was guilty, so he produced this video in order to clear his name, reputation…and to find the real killer of Ron and Nicole. That being said, here’s the setup--the majority of the video consists of a one-on-one, no holds barred interview between OJ Simpson and a journalist named Ross Becker. He was allowed to ask any question he wanted (excluding questions about his kids, personal finances, or post trial legal matters) directly to OJ and demand a full response. This interview was billed was “the questions and answers you would have heard if OJ had taken the stand”…After that grilling, OJ personally takes you on the tour of his estate…the scene of the murders…inside his home, and around his yard. He tries to work through bits of incriminating evidence during this tour, hoping that he can be vindicated in the public arena….but he only seems to dig himself deeper. Watch in amazement as this weird spectacle unfolds before your eyes….He definitely should not have made this video.

PRICE : $10

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RARE CONFESSION FOOTAGE OF GERALD PARKER PART 1

Known as the "Bedroom Basher," serial rapist Gerald Parker thought he had gotten away with murder until DNA testing linked him to the murder of five women and an unborn child in Orange County, California. Police and Navy officials believe Gerald might be responsible for even more killings, specifically three other dead women in Orange County.

PRICE : $10

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RARE CONFESSION FOOTAGE OF GERALD PARKER PART 2

Known as the "Bedroom Basher," serial rapist Gerald Parker thought he had gotten away with murder until DNA testing linked him to the murder of five women and an unborn child in Orange County, California. Police and Navy officials believe Gerald might be responsible for even more killings, specifically three other dead women in Orange County.

PRICE : $10

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Rare Waco Texas Footage on DVD
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ARMAGEDON IN WACO : RARE DAVID KORESH FOOTAGE ON DVD

This is an ultra rare DVD containing footage of the standoff at Waco Texas. The Branch Davidians are a sect that originated from a schism in 1955 from the Davidian Seventh Day Adventists, themselves former members of the Seventh-day Adventist Church who were disfellowshipped during the 1930s. They are best known for the 1993 siege of their Center near Waco, Texas, by the ATF and the FBI, which resulted in the deaths of 76 of the church's members, including head figure David Koresh.

PRICE : $10

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Rare Heavens Gate Initiation Footage on DVD

 

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ULTRA RARE HEAVEN'S GATE CULT INITIATION TAPE ON DVD

In 1997 Marshall Applewhite convinced thirty-eight followers to commit suicide so that their souls could take a ride on a spaceship that they believed was hiding behind the comet carrying Jesus. Ummm... yeah... I guess that kind of makes sen... WHAT?! This DVD is the very rare Heavens Gate initiation tape that Marshall Applewhite used to collect new members to the UFO cult and convince them to ultimately castrate themselves and drink a Jim Jones cocktail. This DVD is hours of creepy cult craziness and believe me, you will see Applewhites strange stare long after the TV is turned off. You wont find this DVD anywhere else on the planet! Trust me folks. You have no idea how hard it was to find this thing.

PRICE : $10

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OVER 100 RARE AND COMPLETE FBI FILES ON ONE DVD
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OVER 100 RARE AND COMPLETE FBI FILES ON ONE DVD

This is the very rare FBI Files DVD. Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act, we are proud to present you with this amazing Data DVD which includes over 100 rare and newly declassified FBI Files on some of the most interesting people, groups and events in world history. The files on this DVD are in PDF format and can be viewed on any computer.For your convience, this DVD is seperated in to folders (based on theme and person). Each of these folders contains the complete FBI file for that individual (most of which are well over 200 pages long)! These files can be viewed on any computer and are perfect for printing.

PRICE : $10

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{ RARE DVD FOOTAGE OF MANSON AND THE MANSON FAMILY }

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CHARLES MANSON VS BILL STOUT : RARE INTERVIEW

Rare Charles Manson Interview

PRICE : $10

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CHARLES MANSON VS ED SANDERS: RARE INTERVIEW

Rare Charles Manson Interview

PRICE : $10

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CHARLES MANSON VS BILL MURPHY: RARE PRISON INTERVIEW

This is the very in depth BBC interview with Charles Manson.

PRICE : $10

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CHARLES MANSON VS PENNY DANIELS : RARE PRISON INTERVIEW

Female Tabloid reporter Penny Daniels interviews Manson.

PRICE : $10

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CHARLES MANSON VS RON REAGAN JR : RARE PRISON INTERVIEW

Ron Reagan interviews Charles Manson

PRICE : $10

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RARE LESLIE VAN HOUTEN 1977 INTERVIEW

Unedited footage of the entire interview Leslie Van Houten gave in 1977 after she was granted a re-trial (she eventually was convicted after a third trial in 1978: 7 years to life.) conducted inside the prison. Unique material.

PRICE : $10

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RARE 1993 INTERVIEW WITH MANSON FAMILY MEMBER PATRICIA KRENWINKEL

PRICE : $10

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RARE MANSON FAMILY NEWS FOOTAGE VOLUME ONE

This DVD contains the first 2 hours of 4 hours of raw footage of KTLA from the UCLA archives. Contents (both discs): News footage shot during the Tate-Labianca trial. News footage shot during the Hinman & Shea trials News footage shot during the trial following the Hawthorne gun store robbery. News footage shot during the Leslie Van Houten re-trials in 1977 & 1978. Footage of an interview with Bernard Crow (a.k.a. Lotsapoppa). Footage of interviews with prosecutors Vincent Bugliosi and Stephen Kay. Footage of interviews with Manson Family members Bruce Davis, Sandra Good. Nancy Pitman, and Leslie Van Houten. Footage of the arraignment of Kenneth Como, Catherine Share, Mary Brunner. Footage of Charles Manson, Susan Atkins, Steve Grogan and others.

PRICE : $10

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RARE MANSON FAMILY NEWS FOOTAGE VOLUME TWO

This DVD contains the second 2 hours of 4 hours of raw footage of KTLA from the UCLA archives. Contents (both discs): News footage shot during the Tate-Labianca trial. News footage shot during the Hinman & Shea trials News footage shot during the trial following the Hawthorne gun store robbery. News footage shot during the Leslie Van Houten re-trials in 1977 & 1978. Footage of an interview with Bernard Crow (a.k.a. Lotsapoppa). Footage of interviews with prosecutors Vincent Bugliosi and Stephen Kay. Footage of interviews with Manson Family members Bruce Davis, Sandra Good. Nancy Pitman, and Leslie Van Houten. Footage of the arraignment of Kenneth Como, Catherine Share, Mary Brunner. Footage of Charles Manson, Susan Atkins, Steve Grogan and others.

PRICE : $10

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RARE MANSON FAMILY NEWS FOOTAGE VOLUME THREE

This DVD contains the first 2 hours of 4 hours of footage from the NBC 2 archives. This volume contains raw footage of newscasts throughout the 1970s up to 1994.

PRICE : $10

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RARE MANSON FAMILY NEWS FOOTAGE VOLUME FOUR

This DVD contains the second 2 hours of 4 hours of footage from the NBC 2 archives. This volume contains raw footage of newscasts throughout the 1970s up to 1994.

PRICE : $10