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VHS MOVIE REVIEW : THE IMMORTALIZER (1989)
Inane rip-off of RE-ANIMATOR (right down to the day-glo green serum), with nothing much to recommend for it except for some nudity and gore. Four college students are kidnapped by some crusty-faced monsters and their idiotic, alcoholic handlers and transported to an institution where the dastardly Dr. Divine (Ron Ray) helps old, wealthy people transplant their brains into young, healthy bodies. When one of the students, Gregg (Chris Crone), escapes and goes to the police, he is arrested as a drug addict. The next day the sergeant takes Gregg back to the institution to find out if his story is true. They are greeted by Dr. Divine's wife, Nurse Blaine (Melody Patterson of BLOOD AND LACE [1971]), and she shows them around, everything changed from the night before. Gregg escapes from the police and hides in the house of Agnes (Elmarie Wendel), whose son disappeared when the institution opened across the street a year before. Agnes agrees to help Gregg and goes undercover as a new patient of the clinic. Agnes gets a little too nosey and is attacked and chowed-down on by Gregg's brother Darrell (Greg Roche), who turns out to be one of Dr. Divine's failed experiments. Gregg breaks back into the institution with a gun, planning to put an end to the experiments, but falls through a trap door where all the creatures are kept. He blasts his way out of the lair (killing a female creature), but is kept prisoner in an adjoining cell. The doctors perform their experiments, throwing the leftover bodies into a giant meat grinder which feeds the creatures. In a final twist, the old Dr. Divine then has his brain transplanted in the much-younger Dr. Timmons (Steve Jamieson). Nurse Blair, who is having an affair with Dr. Price (Clarke Lindsley), blackmails Price into performing one more transplant. She wants the body of June (Bekki Armstrong, Playboy's September 1986 Centerfold), the last of the remaining college students. Gregg, meanwhile, talks his mutant brother into setting him free and he and the creatures run amok in the institution. Dr. Price, with the aide of a cattle prod, disposes of two of them into the meat grinder and thinks he kills Darrell with a shotgun. Gregg also gets thrown into the grinder but escapes in the nick of time. Darrell comes to to Gregg and June's rescue and throws Dr. Price into the grinder. The new Dr. Divine and the middle-aged Nurse Blaine escape and start up a new practice in a new town. Director Joel Bender, who also made the teen musical comedy GAS PUMP GIRLS (1979, with Huntz Hall!), the embarassing WITCH DOCTOR (1983), the vampire yawner MIDNIGHT KISS (1992) and the controversial KARLA (2005), infuses this film with absolutely no suspense, a little bit of humor and a storyline so hackneyed and familiar, that the viewer loses interest about 30 minutes in. The film runs 97 minutes. You do the math. There are sporadic spouts of gore and nudity, but not enough to sustain a feature-length film. Proceed at your own risk. An RCA/Columbia Pictures Home Video Release. Rated R. { text from critcononline.com }
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VHS MOVIE REVIEW : I DRINK YOUR BLOOD (1971)
This film, along with LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, is the grandaddy of early 70's exploitation sleaze. It has played on so many double and triple bills (usually in a severely edited form) that it had a healthy life in theaters well into the 80's. It is finally available on video in pristine and unedited condition from Midnight Video (see address below). A cult of satan worshippers (led by the singly-monikered Bhaskar) arrive in a small town that is soon to be flooded when a dam is completed. They rape a girl and force feed LSD to her angry grandfather. In retribution, a little boy injects rabid dog's blood into their meat pies, turning the band of satanists into rabid, frothing-at-the-mouth maniacs. They infect almost everyone (including a bunch of dam workers who fuck one of the slutty female satanists) until only a handful of normal people are left. We learn that hydrophobia (aka: rabies) is quite painful. It causes a dreaded fear of water and the color red as well as causing the infected to have murderous tendencies. Thank God that our hero drives a red car and there are plenty of garden hoses on hand! The police are finally called in and shoot all the infected, as the town doctor says he would prefer them to die this way because, "Death by hydrophobia is agony!" Even though it is a cheap and somewhat dated film, it really delivers in the gore department. Hands, legs and heads are cut off. Grandpa is found with a pitchfork through his neck. Multiple impalements abound, including an infected pregnant girl who drives a stake through her stomach. Co-star Lynn Lowry (THE CRAZIES - 1972; THEY CAME FROM WITHIN - 1975) portrays a mute member of the satanists who proves highly proficient with an electric carving knife. Director/screenwriter David Durston (who is also responsible for the 1972 VD horror film STIGMA) keeps things moving at a brisk pace, never giving you enough time to realize how ridiculous the entire proceedings are. Viewing this film for the first time in nearly fifteen years made me long for the good old days when theaters offered fare such as this on double and triple bills. I DRINK YOUR BLOOD richly deserves its reputation. A reputation that still holds up today. (Available for $19.00 + $3.00 S&H from: Midnight Video 5010 Church Drive Coplay, PA 18037). Also available on a deluxe DVD from Fangoria (www.fangoria.com). { text from critcononline.com }
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VHS MOVIE REVIEW : HUNTER'S CROSSING (1983)
Here's one of late director Teddy Page's earliest Filipino actioners, filmed back-to-back with FIREBACK and BLOOD DEBTS (both 1983) and utilizing many of the same actors and technical crew. The film opens with a squad of American soldiers rescuing millionaire Mr. Burns (Pat Andrew), his daughter Lois (Barbara Peers) and several other women from a Vietnam slave camp. The soldiers battle it out with some gooks (you can tell they are gooks by the cone-shaped straw hats they wear) while Mr. Burns and the women hop on a junket and head for the safety of the sea. Their freedom is short-lived, however, when their boat is boarded by pirate leader Jamil (David Light) and his crew and Mr. Burns and the women are taken to Jamil's base camp deep in the jungle. After a short skirmish with some jungle rebels, Jamil and his hostages make it to the camp, which is heavily guarded. Jamil sends Burn's son, James Burns Jr. (Richard Harrison), a ransom demand of 4.5 million dollars for the safe return of his father and sister, so James hedges his bets by having his right-hand man Harris (Philip Gamboa) hire some of the best mercenaries he can find to assist him in the rescue of his family (and they will split a cool 1.5 million dollars if successful). Harris picks out bar brawler Max (Don Gordon), pussy-whipped Tom (James Gaines) and womanizer Al (Bruce Baron) for the rescue mission, but first they have to be rigorously trained (Cue the 80's-style training montage). When Jamil forces Mr. Burns to write a letter demanding the delivery of the ransom within 72 hours (Jamil says, "You'll write the letter or I'll have your daughter!"), Harris must immediately put his rescue plan into action, which includes customizing a black sedan and a three-wheeled chopper with machine guns, bulletproof shields and rocket launchers. Al puts the mission in jeopardy by taking a side job as acting as a wheel man in a bank robbery and then ripping-off all the loot, which really angers the crime boss who hired him for the job. The crime boss puts a price on Al's head, which leads to a shoot-out and a car chase, where Al uses the black sedan's rocket launchers to blow-up the car chasing him. After another attempt on Al's life and Tom finding his wife Sherri (Ann Milhench) in bed with another man (who Tom shoots three times point-blank!), the rescue plan is put into action. As more secrets are revealed (Harris is married to Lois!), the ragtag group raid Jamil's camp (Jamil had raped Lois the night before) and Harris grabs Lois, while Al grabs Mr. Burns. Tom gives up his life when he throws himself on a grenade (and is blown to bits) and Al is shot to death protecting the other women hostages (who also don't fare too well). Just when it looks like everyone else is going to make it out alive, Jamil kills Harris and Lois pumps a clip into Jamil. What about Jack Jr., you may ask? Well, it turns out he never left his office, so he was never in any danger (unless he stubs his toe on his desk). Oh, those crazy Filipinos. You gotta love them! Like most of Teddy Page's films (NINJA'S FORCE - 1984; MOVIE IN ACTION - 1987; JUNGLE RATS - 1987; PHANTOM SOLDIERS - 1987), there are scenes of brutal violence, nudity and action set pieces mixed with a few "What the fuck?!?" sequences that throws the viewer for a loop. The screenplay, by Timothy Jorge (FIREBACK), switches gears so often, it's really hard for the audience to know who to root for. For one, we are supposed to feel sorry for Tom, because he is so much in love with his wife, only to discover that she's been cheating on him for years with numerous men. But instead of walking away from Sherri by giving her a curt "Fuck you!", he murders his wife's latest lover in such a way that it is hard to have sympathy for Tom. And then there's Al. All he cares about is himself and he puts his team members in dangerous situations several times. Harris, on the other hand, seems to be the only decent man in the bunch, but when it is revealed that he is married to Lois, it is also made clear that Mr. Burns never cared for Harris and disapproves of the marriage, which is why he makes Lois follow him around on all his business trips like some puppy dog. Richard Harrison's role as Jack is so underwritten (he spends most of his screen time talking on the phone and only interacts on-screen with Philip Gamboa), that it is nothing but a glorified cameo, even if he does get top billing. Max is the only character deserving of any sympathy (he's a divorced dad that has a young son that loves him), but his death is so matter-of-fact, it's the most forgettable of the bunch. You can see that Page was still getting his action chops here, as some of the action set pieces are awkwardly filmed (especially the car chase) and he made a choice to keep some of the violence off-screen (Tom shooting his wife's lover; Lois shooting Jamil), but there's enough bloody violence, gunfire and explosions, not to mention some weird turns of events, to keep fans of Filipino actioners happy. Also starring Ann Jackson, Tim Bismark, Biggie Mielke, Willy Williams and Arturo Estrada. Available on DVD from Cine Excel Entertainment. Not Rated. { text from critcononline.com }
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