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MAY 10 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : SURF NAZIS MUST DIE (1987)
From badmovienite.com
Best Bad Quote:
“Taste some of Mama’s home cookin’, Adolf!”
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When one thinks of bad movies, Troma Entertainment usually comes to mind. With titles like Killer Condom and Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, Lloyd Kaufman’s Troma empire embodies everything we love about bad movies. Troma has always been the anti-thesis of the Hollywood Studio system, making ridiculous, crass, and often times shocking movies on a shoestring budget. Going into Surf Nazi’s Must Die, I was psyched to watch over-the-top Neo Nazis terrorizing the beaches of Los Angeles. By the end I was left with “bad movie blue balls.”
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Sometime in the near future, Los Angeles has been leveled by an 8.6 magnitude earthquake and one gang sets out to rule the beaches, the Surf Nazis. Lead by their leader, Adolf, the Nazis go after anyone and everyone who gets near their waves. After the Nazis kill Leroy, an innocent oil worker, Leroy’s black and mild smoking granny vows to avenge her grandson’s death by taking out the Surf Nazis, one by one.
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Sounds promising right? A revenge tale set in a post apocalyptic world reminiscent of The Warriors (one of my favorite movies of all time.) I was already sold, and when I watched the trailer and saw this badass, big, black woman riding a Harley with a gun in her hand, I was in love. Unfortunately I fell victim to my expectations being raised too high. The biggest issue I had with this movie is its glossing over of the main conflict. They don’t show Leroy’s death? His death is the central focal point of the movie, and you’re not going to show that? It was done so poorly it wasn’t even clear what happened until it abruptly cut to Leroy’s grandmamma crying over a closed coffin that we are to assume is Leroy. I realize that Troma movies don’t have large budgets and therefore have to make certain sacrifices, but when multiple and subsequently unimportant rival gangs are shown being massacred, how do you not show Leroy die?!
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Despite the fact that Surf Nazis Must Die starts off REALLY slow, it picks up in the second half with the gratuitous gore one has come to expect from a Troma movie. Troma’s quintessential tongue-in-cheek nature is also found with the all characters being named after famous members of the Third Reich, except for Smeg (short for smegma) and Hook (who wields a large cartoonish hook for a hand).
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While Leroy’s grandmamma’s perfectly executed one-liners while enacting her revenge seem almost worth waiting for, I still found myself unable to move past the blatant disregard of Leroy’s death. The director chose the wrong corners to cut and cheated the maximum amount of campy fun that could’ve been had while watching, Surf Nazis Must Die.
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Rating:
2 out of 5 Enthusiastic Hitler Youths
MAY 10 VHS MOVIE REVIEW : THE BODY SHOP (1973)
God knows that I try to give no-budget horror films like this a lot of leeway but, holy shit, this film is insufferable. This is about as low budget as you can get and still call it a movie. There's threadbare sets, bad acting, annoying music (by William Girdler, of all people), chainsaw editing, lots of terrible post-synch dubbing and direction that can best be described as "huh?" Since this film is directed/produced/written and lead-acted (among other jobs) by the same person, J.G. 'Pat' Patterson Jr., it's quite obvious who is to blame. The story is simple (maybe "simpleton" is a better word): Dr. Donald Brandon (portrayed by Patterson, using the pseudonym "Don Brandon, America's No. 1 Magician") loses his beloved wife Anitra (Jenny Driggers) in a car accident (since this is a low budget film, we don't actually witness the accident, we just hear about it), so he, along with his mute, stogie-chomping hunchback assistant Greg (Roy Mehaffey), go about creating a whole new Anitra using the body parts of other women, onto which Dr. Brandon intends to insert his wife head as the final step. At first, Dr. Brandon and Greg rob graveyards for their body parts, but when those extremities aren't fresh enough to be revived (he wraps them in tin foil and zaps them with electricity like they were yesterday's leftovers), he begins hypnotizing young women, bringing them to his laboratory and cutting off the body parts that he finds "perfect". Greg simply disposes of the unused parts in the handy acid bath pit Dr. Brandon has in his lab. After killing enough women for parts, Dr. Brandon creates the "perfect" (his favorite word) woman. The only problem is, she's horny as hell and hits on every man she sees (even Greg, who Dr. Brandon kills by planting a meat cleaver in his hump!). This drives Dr. Brandon over the edge. He ends up in a looney bin (It looks more like a prison. Since when do looney bins have iron bars for doors?), reliving all the horrific moments of his life in his deranged mind, still dreaming about the perfect woman. His creation (who walks around in nothing but a bikini) gets picked-up on the side of the road by some horny guy in a beat-up van. I have the feeling that she's going to be more than he can handle. I really can't describe how awful this film is, not to mention how illogical the whole story plays out. One first has to wonder where Dr. Brandon found a hunchback assistant named Greg. Did he have him before his wife died or did he advertise for one after she kicked the bucket? If he had Greg before his wife died, what exactly did he do for the doctor? Trim his hedges? Cook his meals? One also has to wonder how Dr. Brandon picked up that marvelous skill of hypnotizing women without uttering a word. All he does is look at them and the next thing you know, they're on his operating table having their limbs removed without the benefit of anesthesia by scalpel or hand saw. Really, who wouldn't want to have that kind of power? THE BODY SHOP (also known as DOCTOR GORE) could be forgiven those transgressions if it weren't so damn boring. It's nothing but long stretches of tedium interrupted by some scenes of extremely fake-looking gore, which was also supplied by Patterson. I do have to admit that there were two instances in this film where I laughed out loud, even if it was for the wrong reasons. The first instance was where Dr. Brandon and Greg finished their first unsuccessful experimant and we hear a big booming knocking sound on the soundtrack. Dr. Brandon turns to Greg and says, "Get that, it might be the door." What they hell else could it be? Large woodpeckers? The second instance comes again when someone knocks on the door. It's the middle of the night and when Dr. Brandon opens the door, it cuts away to a hick sheriff obviously standing in the middle of a field during the day asking if everything's OK and making sure nothing illegal is going on. It's apparent that this clip came from an entirely different film (probably some regional moonshiner flick). It's hilarious in it's ineptitude. I wish I could say the same thing about the entire film but, unfortunately, it's just a boring mess. A lot of people think H.G. Lewis had something to do with this film since filmed an introduction for it on the old United Home Video VHS edition (under the DOCTOR GORE title), but the fact is Lewis never viewed the film before he filmed the introduction. Even by Lewis standards, this film is a dud. A lot of reference books claim that Patterson committed suicide when he couldn't obtain a theatrical release for this film, but they are wrong. He did obtain a regional theatrical release through distributor Variety Films, the same company responsible for distributing the ultra-sick rape porno flick FORCED ENTRY (1972). Patterson directed another film, THE ELECTRIC CHAIR (1975), as well as supplying makeup effects for other films (THREE ON A MEATHOOK - 1972; AXE - 1974) before dying of cancer in 1975. In THE BODY SHOP, he chain smokes like a fiend. Also starring Jan Benfield, Howard Stewart, Nita Patterson and Bill Simpson as the sheriff. This had multiple VHS releases from Paragon Video, United Home Video and Something Weird Video, who also offer it on DVD. Not Rated. { text from critcononline.com }
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